Such a small word for so large a meaning. To be brave even when you fear it. Whatever ‘it’ might be. I wrote in my art journal with a white pen on black painted paper (setting the mood), exactly what I needed to hear. Funny how that works. Well, the purpose of journaling truly is to help us muddle through emotions, doubts and life stuff. As I re-read this passage, I felt it might be helpful to my readers.

I’m still here. It’s been quiet here but I’m —STILL.

I’m still singing along to the radio

I’m still lying awake and staring at the ceiling

I’m still asking why

Do you dab life away? What do I mean by this? Well, I’m currently taking an online watercolor class. This is a new medium for me. I’ve painted in oils and mostly acrylics. Watercolor is a different animal altogether. I find myself dabbing away what I’ve put on the paper. In fear. Fear of what? Paint blobs.

Sharing a poem I wrote a few months ago. If you’re feeling the grips of fear, and who isn’t currently, then I think you’ll enjoy this.

Unafraid

 
 Unafraid of the darkness
 Eagles perch in wait
 Watching our movements 
If we dare

 Swooping in delight
 They carry us afar
 Up, up to
Aquarius night star
 
We float upon
 Clouds like jelly
 Aspic on our tongues
 From melted lies we left behind
 
Our flight to the horizon
 On breadth of Eagle’s wings
 Lifts our spirits 
To unimaginable height

In the inky sky
 Older now
 We learn
 To soar not crawl
 
 Unafraid of the darkness
All fear subsides
As we fly above obstacles
That no longer block our lives

-Lisa Thomson Wells

   

Untamed was my first Glennon Doyle read. I’ve heard her name buzzed in Good Reads and various places such as, ahem, Oprah. Now this book is a Reese Witherspoon choice. So…I was anxious to read this one and the description grabbed my attention.

Sharing a poem with you today. Dark self or someone real? You decide.

SHE DRESSED IN BLACK

She dressed in black
The scar on her cheek
Was from an unknown attack.

She laughed at my
Pastel-colored shirt.
Her baby talk and tattoos
Incongruent with her smirk.

As she lit her cigarette
She asked me why
I was so naïve.

To think I could
Break away
From this
Structure that was
Destined to me.

"Besides," she asked
"Could you live without
The luxury you’ve known?"

She said, "Give me a call
When you’re ready
To go."

Then she kicked at a stone
With her Doc Marten toe.
Her laughter fell flat
On the side of the road.

Her sarcasm
Crawled beneath my skin
And lingered...
Daring me to begin.

image source: Photo by Abdiel Ibarra on Unsplash

You’ll notice I didn’t ask about a second marriage because that’s practically a Gimme. It’s expected, even. It’s considered a sign of moving on. A third marriage? That’s more like a Mulligan (you will use it judicially and with caution). Why the golf analogy, you may be wondering. I don’t even know, it just popped into my head. Maybe because my ex was an avid golfer.

Are you like me and have a hard time asking for help? You don’t want to burden your friends so you tell them you’re okay when you’re actually falling down a hole so deep you fear bumping into Alice?

I can’t think of a more appropriate time than during separation and divorce that we require help from family and friends. All at once we’re single parenting, dealing with lawyers, moving, starting a new career or educational program. Yet we try to manage it alone. We think if we can’t manage it all alone, we must be weak. There must be something wrong with us if we need help.

“Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight?”

The words to that old Elvis song always tug at my heartstrings. I picture my grandmother mending socks, humming along to this song playing on her kitchen radio. She became a widow quite young. She wasn’t even 60 yet. She lived alone until the day she died (excluding her final years in a care home).

One of the hardest adjustments during divorce, is finding yourself alone. Alone. Just that simple word conjures up all kinds of not so nice feelings. When you’re alone, is it because no one wants you?

I was inspired by Marc Chernoff’s recent post at Marc & Angel hack Life. Marc lists ten hard things you shouldn’t be afraid of doing for yourself. What I took away from this list is that fear of change is the underlying culprit of happiness or the cause of —death while living.

In his post, every single thing Marc listed resonated with me. Usually when I read a ten reasons or tips post, I can take away half of them and leave the rest. Not this time.