“Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight?”
The words to that old Elvis song always tug at my heartstrings. I picture my grandmother mending socks, humming along to this song playing on her kitchen radio. She became a widow quite young. She wasn’t even 60 yet. She lived alone until the day she died (excluding her final years in a care home).
One of the hardest adjustments during divorce, is finding yourself alone. Alone. Just that simple word conjures up all kinds of not so nice feelings. When you’re alone, is it because no one wants you?
When you’re alone, isn’t that the time you are vulnerable to scary creatures and bumps in the night?
Even though we’re all grown up, the connotation of being alone has long since been instilled in us as being a ‘negative’. As a child, I recall spending lots of time alone when my older siblings went to school and I wasn’t quite old enough to go myself. When I say alone, my mother was home of course, but it wasn’t an era where play dates were a thing. I wasn’t truly alone also because I had my beloved stuffed animals.
I still remember setting them up in groups against the walls of my bedroom to take pictures of them, with my pretend camera. I also remember loving to color at a sunny window with our pet budgie bird chirping away beside me.
I recall these times of being alone as happy. I equated being alone with contentment.
As we get into grade school however, we are measured by the number of friends we have. Did you make a new friend today? What are your friends doing? Where are your friends today? These questions begin to enter our psyche and good or bad, suggest to us that we are better with company.
Whether the ability to be content while alone is genetic or learned, I haven’t a clue. But I think we can all learn to accept that being alone is better than okay.
Once we’re fully engrossed in married and family life, alone time is a rare thing. We begin to not even notice that we’re missing it. Every waking hour is spent taking care of others.
Then the big D (divorce) happens. This is when we have to get re-acquainted with our comfort levels of being alone. I have written about this subject before in various ways. For example, how to love living single, and Peeping Me (which will be in the soon to be published The Wine Diaries) both look at what it feels like to be alone after years of being half of a ‘couple’. Not to mention, the child care which often gets cut in half with divorce. Again, more time alone…more time to think…to be afraid.
Let’s take a different point of view!
More alone time means more time to plan, to enjoy your passions, hobbies and friendships. So, when we are inevitably alone, there are things we can do to feel less lonesome in spite of it. Author Olivia Laing explores this concept of lonely vs. lonesome in The Lonely City: Adventures In the Art of Being Alone
Laing describes loneliness as a “populated place: a city in itself.”
If that is true then we are all a city unto ourselves especially when we make a major change in our life. Whether it’s a move across country, a divorce, or starting over in a career, feeling lonely is part of the game of rebuilding. I think understanding and expecting that makes it easier to accept. It’s less daunting, less of a stigma and more something we can actually accept and deal with, day by day.
Olivia Laing- The Lonely City: Adventures In the Art of Being Alone
Loneliness is difficult to confess; difficult too to categorise. Like depression, a state with which it often intersects, it can run deep in the fabric of a person, as much a part of one’s being as laughing easily or having red hair. Then again, it can be transient, lapping in and out in reaction to external circumstance, like the loneliness that follows on the heels of a bereavement, break-up or change in social circles.
Forging a new path for yourself means putting yourself out there but at the same time being more lonely or lonesome then when you were living the status quo.
Although we can’t banish loneliness when it afflicts us, we don’t have to see it as a negative. When we begin to feel it, take action to ease the pain. Take a walk around your neighborhood. Walk to the coffee shop, and say hello to familiar faces. You’re confirming that you are in fact, a part of the bigger picture.
When your children return to your open arms, you can once again fill your time with the minutiae of being a mother. The distractions being endless, and the company non-stop, you barely have a moment to yourself.
If a walk in the city is author Olivia Laing’s tonic to loneliness, then the details of motherhood are ours. We fill up on our children’s needs until they’re back at their dad’s. That’s all good but when the week is up, don’t let loneliness take over. Know that you’re always a small part of a big world and that being alone is more than okay.
Being alone doesn't have to co-exist with loneliness. Click To TweetAre you lonesome tonight? It’s okay to say ‘hell yeah’ and take action to quell that feeling. I’m sure my grandmother felt it, too but she found ways to make herself happy and so can we.
Have you been lonely during your divorce or during your marriage?
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Bren
May 5, 2019 at 8:09 amAbsolutely love this post, Lisa! Since my divorce and year of dating, I realized that I enjoy being alone (not lonely) and not putting up with bullshit. I say “alone” because it’s rare that I find myself lonely. Very rare. I have my dogs that are the loves of my life. Of course, I would love the companionship of a male, but there is just too much other crap that can go along with that and I’m not ready. I doubt I’ll ever be ready again for the kind of commitment. Btw, in the 13 years of my marriage, I was more alone and lonely than ever. Sounds strange but is so true.
Thanks for sharing this! So many people, men and women, need to read this!
lisa
May 5, 2019 at 9:48 pmhey Bren, I’m definitely hearing the similar theme. Being lonely while married. 😛 Being alone is better than being in an unfulfilling relationship. I’m glad to hear you are not lonely! Thanks for sharing here. xx
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
May 3, 2019 at 9:00 pmGreat post, Lisa. I think this is helpful advice to anyone out there who has ever felt lonely. I’m an introvert so I tend to cherish my alone time, but I know plenty of others who could benefit from reading this.
lisa
May 4, 2019 at 9:25 amThank you, Suzanne. Aw, that’s awesome that you’re happy with your alone time (it’s the best for reading!) 🙂 Thanks for sharing with those in need.
Don't Re-Marry For Any Of These 5 Reasons
May 2, 2019 at 10:41 am[…] Are You Lonesome Tonight? […]
Mark Mathew
May 2, 2019 at 4:10 amThis blog is really awesome. Thank you for sharing nice things through this blog. Hope you will share more.
Jeri
April 29, 2019 at 8:38 pmI do fine with being alone, but lonliness is indeed a different matter. So many reasons why we stay with significant others is based on fear of being lonely, and I’ve been realizing how subconscious some of these fears can be. My best friend has been married five times, and I’m sure she wishes I’d put a lid on my pronouncements of not wanting to shack up anytime soon. What I’ve most realized these past few years is that it’s worse to be in a relationship where you feel lonely rather than to be alone on your own and working on being your own person and finding personal fulfillment.
lisa
May 1, 2019 at 4:23 pmHi Jeri, so true. There is a difference. Obviously, it’s nice to have a balance of alone time with companionship, but everyone has their own definition of how much is too much. 5X married?! Whew, that’s the result of that underlying fear you speak of. I agree with you that it’s much worse to be in a marriage or relationship where you’re very lonely. This: “it’s worse to be in a relationship where you feel lonely rather than to be alone on your own and working on being your own person and finding personal fulfillment.” YES!
Kimberly @ Caffeinated Reviewer
April 25, 2019 at 9:48 amI will be singing this all day. I loved the imagery of your grandmother. Wonderful advice for anyone feeling lonely.
lisa
April 26, 2019 at 9:58 am🙂 Right? I debated whether to embed the video but decided it would be too much of an ‘ear worm’ haha, although I do love the song!
Kimberly
April 25, 2019 at 5:42 amI adore this post Lisa.While I cannot relate to the divorce portion of this, I can relate in another aspect and that is “divorcing” in a friendship and the eventual social circle of it. It was a toxic relationship and I had to part ways. We were best friends for 15 years and had been through most major events like graduations, jobs, marriage, and births – so it was like a marriage of sorts. To not have that person be there through other big events was different. Often times I’d feel like I need to reach out but at the same time, no, I can do this…Again, I know that friendships and marriage are on different plains, but I do resonate with what you have said here.
Great post Lisa. xoxo
lisa
April 26, 2019 at 9:57 amThank you, Kim! Absolutely true! Divorcing a friend can be equally difficult but it’s not something we talk about much. This post certainly could apply to that scenario. It sounds like you made the right move in going no contact with this ‘friend’. We sometimes make the mistake of thinking because we’ve known this friend forever, it’s an automatic that they will continue in our life. But when they’re destructive/toxic—they must GO.
Balroop Singh
April 24, 2019 at 7:19 pmI like the streak of positivity that is shining through this post Lisa. Loneliness just like happiness is a state of mind. I agree there are moments when human beings yearn for real bonding, especially after divorce but one has to find activities to involve oneself. No one, not even real friends can fill those empty hours. Old age loneliness could be immeasurable.
I have never been lonely so far but have seen it from close quarters as my mom has lived with it now for a long time. She lost her husband when she was 38 and with huge responsibilities of raising us single-handed, she has braved loneliness…a long story Lisa, that brings tears to my eyes.
lisa
April 26, 2019 at 9:55 amI agree, Balroop and that’s why having hobbies and finding joy in solo activities can really save us. Your mom was a strong woman! So sorry about the tragic loss of your father.
Tamara Bowman
April 24, 2019 at 9:14 amI definitely have, and it’s a weird feeling. For most of my life I’ve been surrounded by people. Growing up with four siblings and a very loud family of seven! We always had houseguests and friends. I almost had only one kid. We were in agreement about that. I’m from a big family and Cassidy is an only child. And then when she turned two, we decided to have another. I still think it’s so different. They’re both in school, and I surround myself with work and the chickens and the dogs and the cat. It’s still unusual for me to be around people during the day and I have to actively look for it. It’s spring so the lonely feelings are dissipating.
lisa
April 24, 2019 at 7:11 pmIt’s interesting that you grew up in a large family and now find yourself with more alone time (although that’s only when your kiddies are at school). It’s something you probably need to refresh and also prepare for photography sessions. Dealing with people and all their stuff has to be draining at times. But on the up side, you can also get a great exchange of energy. Two kids is perfect, as each has one to rely on as they get older. 🙂 Spring brings us outside and we become more social, for sure. I love that you get to spend your days with the animals! I’m jealous. 😀
Marie Kléber
April 24, 2019 at 3:43 amI love your post Lisa!
To be true I felt more lonely during my marriage than ever in my life before (and after).
I am an introvert and being alone is not an issue at all for me. It’s a special treat that I do need from time to time.
Loneliness can be terrible. I remember trying to smooth it a bit when I was married. But it was harsh. We were two but I was alone all along the 4 years relationship we had.
Love to you and thank you!
lisa
April 24, 2019 at 7:06 pmYes, exactly, Marie. Thanks for pointing that out. The sting of initial separation is nothing compared to the loneliness one feels in a bad marriage. “We were two but I was alone all along…” That says it all, Marie. Love back to you!!
Jane Thrive
April 23, 2019 at 5:46 pmI love this! And I agree–being alone does not equal or automatically equate to loneliness. You can be in a crowd of people or with your supposed “person” and feel lonely. I often felt lonely and abandoned in my unhealthy marriage, I remember how awful that felt. I definitely don’t feel lonely in my current one, thank goodness.
Learning how to be alone but not lonely is a really great skill and lesson to learn! <3 It's so funny because in the minutia of parenting, sometimes I do catch myself thinking for a split second–oh goodness, the kids are going to their dads so i'll have a break from this schedule craziness for a bit. Then as soon as they are gone, i'm like but i MISSSSS THEMMMMMMMM. LOL.
Thanks for this great post, Lisa! Love and hugs!!
lisa
April 24, 2019 at 7:04 pmYES, you’re so right, Jane 😛 😛 😛 I had those exact same feelings. Yes, the contradiction of with/without our babies. My daughter left yesterday after a long weekend visit. I still feel those pangs of her absence and she’s 26!! I guess it’s good to miss them and we appreciate them more. Hugs!!
DGKaye
April 23, 2019 at 5:20 pmLis, I totally loved this article – I hope you’ll include it in the Wine Diaries which I look forward to reading. I was always independent, moved out of home young and married late by choice, Now it’s so weird to even picture my life without my husband so I can’t even pretend to imagine that initial loneliness again. <3
lisa
April 24, 2019 at 7:02 pmThank you, Deb. That’s a good idea! You’re amazing!! Many couldn’t do what you did alone. You also made your trip to Europe ALONE. Now that you’re in a happy marriage, it’s hard to imagine going it alone, right?