From the archives; I’m re-posting this one because there is so much of this happening.  Many women and some men are dealing with an abusive ex.

Abuse during divorce is more common than we realize.  When we take the step to end our marriage, we extricate ourselves from the marital turmoil only to find ourselves the target of even more abusive behaviors.  The ex can become aggressive, verbally abusive, threatening, and sometimes paranoid.  The truth is the bigger their ego, the more intensely they react to the end of the marriage or relationship.  If they are bordering on narcissistic personality, these reactions will be even stronger.  You become the target of blame and alienation.  The attempted alienation may be from friends, family, and most definitely from the children.  The egotistical ex will take action to encourage everyone to withdraw their support and love from you.  They often distort the truth in an attempt to tear your character down and build theirs up.  After all, the divorce is not their fault. They didn’t do anything wrong nor did they ask for this to happen.  In other words, they are the victim in this scenario.

IF YOU BECOME A TARGET for this divorce abuse, there are certain actions you should take;

1. 1. Get professional guidance as soon as possible, from someone who specializes in family and divorce issues
   2. Start talking to the children, family and friends about the abuse or threats
   3. Keep a record of behavior, incidents and threats in a journal (where, what was said, when including the exact date and time of day)
   4. Refrain from contact except where absolutely necessary
   5. Live by this code:  Silence is NOT golden

Signs Your Ex Has a Supersized Ego;

1. He is often envious of other people’s possessions
2. He states his entitlement to things, services or money
3. He has a grandiose view of himself and often see himself as superior to others
4. He shows contempt for more successful people
5. He devalues other people’s accomplishments
6. He plays the role of the victim or “hard done by”

The abuse can be extremely subtle or it can be direct and threatening.  Recognize that the undermining of your parenting role is part of that abuse.  One of the first things these personality types do is attempt full possession of the children.  Unfortunately, it is very common for the children to be engaged as a tool in their war.  It is the last way they can retaliate against you and control you.  This is an indirect, subversive form of child abuse.

The children often see it as suddenly getting the attention they crave.  They will feel as though  ”Daddy (or Mommy) loves me even more…”.  But you will see the difference between a parent who genuinely cares, loves and wants to spend quality time with their children compared with a parent whose single goal is to limit your time with them.  Also, the egotistical parent likes to tote the children to his functions to show off his idealized possessions.  In other words, the parent uses his children to bolster his ego and reputation rather than simply loving them, and spending time with them one on one.  They are usually fulfilling ulterior motives.  Often these ego driven parents would prefer to take the children out and be “seen” with them at prestigious events or restaurants as if to say “Look, I’m the best parent in the world, with the best kids in the world!”  Teach your children early on to understand the difference between love and possession.

When the Child Becomes the Target;

Know that eventually, as the children grow and challenge the ego driven parent, they become the target of abuse themselves.  They go from being idealized and indulged to being verbally abused, manipulated, to finally being disposable.  This is extremely damaging to growing teens and children.  When we stop and think about how we, as adults have been manipulated and hurt by these personality types, we realize how easily manipulated and confusing it is for young minds.  Equip your children with the tools to protect themselves from further damage.  Start by telling the truth.  Do not whitewash the abusive behavior.  Silence is NOT golden.  Speak up.  Forget “don’t bad mouth your ex in front of the kids”.  That mantra does not apply to this kind of situation.  Not only does it not apply, it is detrimental.  Explain to your children the motives of the other parent .  Explain to them the type of abuse that is happening between you and your ex, because they have a right to know the true status of the relationship.  Explain to them as simply as possible but get the information out there.  The more they know the better they will understand and cope with the situation.  A terrific resource on this is Richard Warshak’s Divorce Poison as well as YOU Tube video series by Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self-Love.  As well, I cover this topic with simple suggestions of how to handle parenting difficulties in The Great Escape; A Girl’s Guide To Leaving a Marriage

What Your Children Need to Know;

1.how to resist hurtful actions by their ego driven parent

2. how to set boundaries in their relationship with their parent

3. how to say ‘no’ to the other parent

4. how to walk away without guilt to avoid abuse

5. know the difference between tough love and aggressive, hurtful behavior

We have removed ourselves from the marital turmoil only to experience divorce abuse.  Whether it’s alienating the children, seeking full custody,  withholding support payments, name calling or verbal threats—it’s all equally abusive.  We must provide support to our children to ensure they too, do not become the victim of the cruelty of the ego driven parent.  Start talking.  Open up.  No more secrets.  Silence is NOT golden.

What would you do?  How did you cope with divorce abuse?

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