For the Good Guys

for the good guysI have been contacted by some really great guys here at the Great Escape blog. One of them said to me last week “I have a strong feeling that many men like myself who could benefit from your words are immediately turned off by the subject and the target audience.” Burrrrrrn. I get what he’s saying though. Here’s the thing: I love men. This blog isn’t about dissing men in any way and that’s why today I wanted to write for the good guys.

Where are the good guys? They’re around the periphery, quietly listening. Checking out what we’re up to without saying much. When they do share I know they’re the good ones. It’s in their words. Some of these good guys want my help just like many of the women I’ve mentioned (who contact me) with questions. The men have similar divorce problems to us. It really does work both ways.

Fact: More men today are staying home raising the children while the wives are working outside the home. My message and my book both apply to those men. Anyone who put their career on hold to raise children, only to find their marriage coming to an end will benefit from my step by step guide to leaving a marriage.

On the other hand,Β  not all my experiences with the male gender, as a writer, have been great. When Divorced Moms published my article on Huffington Post it was wonderful exposure, until it was too much exposure— the men started leaving nasty comments. That was the one post I didn’t write for men. Yet, there they were and it didn’t take more than a few minutes to feel I was naked in front of the crowd. I know, that’s my own fault for writing my heart out. I learned men are kind of sensitive when it comes to the topic of sex.

I know, you’re (I’m) going to remind me that men aren’t all like that. That was just a small demographic of angry men. Yes, some of us have ex’s that could be categorized with those men because many of those men are freshly divorced. Both men and women tend to have more bitter than sweet during the initial stages of divorce. It’s only natural. Our world is crumbling around us and it’s scary as hell.

Bitter is the tonic that helps us cope and anger is the reaction that propels us toward change.

Eventually, though we overcome this negativity. We find happiness within ourselves and learn to appreciate what’s left of our sweetly shattered dream. Because there is always something good left and always something better coming up.

Our past life with our ex is part of our journey. The memories both good and bad are still there. The kids are forever and the memories of their births and babyhood, childhood will always be precious. So, ya we don’t always understand the anger of a man but it’s true that he goes through similar emotions as we do.

The point is not all men are assholes, not even our ex and that’s not the message I’m sending here at the Blog. I love men. This blog isn’t about dissing men because when we do find the right guy he’s amazing. He might get under your skin some days but if he loves you like the sun and wants to protect you like the moon, well that’s something to cherish.

This one’s for the good guys out there. You’re always welcome here at The Great Escape Blog because your point of view is valuable and our challenges aren’t really that different. Speaking of good guys check these ones out at Good Men Project.

What do you think?

 

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39 Replies to “For the Good Guys”

  1. Hmmm, thought mine was a good guy until it become very, very clear he has some truly serious issues. But yes, even then, I can admit and know he’s gone through lots of emotional struggles too as we’ve ended our life together.

    1. That’s a tough transition, Jeri. Whether you remain friendly or not remains to be seen. Hang on for a few twists and turns. Hang in there!

  2. In my not so proud moments I have called my ex-husband a lot of nasty names. In my better moments I used to say we brought out the worst in each other. Now that I see him with his girlfriend, who brings out the best in him, I think saying we brought out the worst in each other is probably a lot closer to the truth, or maybe it’s just that most of the hard days of parenting are behind us. All I know for sure is it did get easier to be civil and at times even friendly.

    1. Hi Vanessa, that sounds pretty normal to me. Sometimes we’re simply mismatched. I’m glad to hear you’re on friendlier terms now. My ex and I are not LOL but I still like to hear about other couples who can be friendly πŸ™‚

    1. What a lovely story, Balroop! Sounds like you and your Hubs are a great match! The poem is beautiful!! Thanks for sharing that πŸ™‚

  3. I married one of the good guys and I’m close with many. I hope all the good guys will take you up on that offer to be welcome here. I love that!

  4. Lisa,
    I’ve been told this on my blog, too!

    There are some AWESOME men out there…but my blog focuses on “women!”

    btw, I’m on Twitter with The Good Men Project!!!!

    xx

    1. Exactly, Kim. There’s nothing wrong with focusing on helping our own gender. Good Men Project is a wonderful resource and inspiring to know there are many out there who want to improve. Love your blog so much, Kim xoxo

  5. It’s sad that you got a lot of nasty comments from men about your article. They made themselves look like assholes by doing that. If they wanted to disagree with you and make themselves look better than what you wrote, they failed. It would’ve been better to not say a word or to reply back in kind.

    There are a lot of good guys out there. And they certainly are welcome. πŸ™‚

    1. I agree, Chrys! I stopped reading the comments early on because I could see where it was going. It was over 400 comments, many of them awful. That’s when I had a few ‘good guys’ contact me and apologize for their gender. I kid you not. So, I never lose faith in men. πŸ™‚

  6. I don’t think it’s a women vs. men thing at all. I think it’s a good person vs. bad person thing. And either sex can be either one of those.

  7. Hi Lisa!

    I agree there are definitely good men out there, and they know who they are. And I’m married to one of them, yay!! πŸ™‚

    At the same time…just because you (Lisa) point out the challenges and difficulties of working with the non-good guys–this shouldn’t be perceived as a threat or an attack on the good ones. Rather, it is a reinforcement that the good guys are making their own difference in their worlds, being kind, fair, showing their children a different reality than one based in nastiness, fear, pain, and/or gendered violence.

    I guess this post and the response of the men you were talking about reminds me of the #yesallwomen issue that was brought into the spotlight recently. #Notallmen are a$$holes, sexist, violent, douchebags, but #yesallwomen have to navigate a world where it’s difficult, on face value, to tell the difference on who they’re dealing with.

    http://www.slate.com/blogs/bad_astronomy/2014/05/27/not_all_men_how_discussing_women_s_issues_gets_derailed.html

    I am thankful for the good men in my life and for the good men in the world out there…but i don’t think there needs to be a special place or acknowledgment for those good men in order for you to have the space to describe and discuss and advise, based on your experiences, how to deal with the non-good-ones, you know? πŸ™‚ I think they know who they are. <3 hope that doesn't sound harsh. πŸ™‚

    1. I agree, Jane. It doesn’t sound harsh and I’m glad you can see through that gender bias. It occurred to me that some men are scared of my site and that is silly because as it has been pointed out, we all suffer similar problems and situations. I think there is a club on HuffPost where many men gather to attack the womens’ articles. I’ve been warned of this and it certainly seemed to be the case with my article. I guess the internet is an easy place for them to vent.

      So glad you’ve got a good one, Jane!! <3

  8. πŸ˜‰
    No “Burrrrrrn” intended. Again, love the article and the comments. I was an asshole…I admit it. My ex-wife deserved soooo much more. Working hard to right those wrongs. I was a crap husband, yes… but I am trying really hard to be a good ex πŸ™‚ Thanks all for enlightening me.

    1. Hi Dan, well, we can all be assholes πŸ˜‰ It takes a ‘good guy’ to admit when he was wrong, that’s for sure. Being a ‘good ex’ is highly underrated so, I think that’s amazing that you’re putting that effort in! Thanks for sharing here, Dan.

  9. Sorry to hear about the backlash from your article by some ruffled men, but I always think that when people are stirred up sometimes it’s because the words hit too close to home. You definitely got people thinking and even if they initially raged, you never know what truths you may have inspired them to consider privately. πŸ™‚

    1. Thank you so much, Shelah. In retrospect I believe you’re right. At the time though, I had to ignore the negative and let them all go ‘crazy’ in the comments.

  10. There are some amazing men out there. I married one. And there are also men who can benefit from your wisdom. Great post Lisa.

  11. Hi Lisa,

    Well said πŸ™‚

    All men are not bad, nor are all of them good πŸ˜‰

    So, this post comes for the good guys and I am sure they’d understand the reason behind your writing it too. I guess there are all kinds of men and women, and one can’t take up a topic just based on one aspect as one needs to consider all the views. I’ve written a few controversial topics on my blog too, where the men have said their different views about the same, especially domestic violence and divorce!

    Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead πŸ™‚

  12. I definitely agree with you Lisa. Both men and women are suffering from divorce. It’s a painful experience for everybody.
    There are good men out there. Definitely. I meet some every day. All of these good guys help me to believe there is a good one out there for me!!
    Take care Lisa.

  13. I love this so much. I imagine it must be difficult sometimes to toe that line and to write for women with respect to men; of course we all know that not all men are (insert stereotype here); we only write about what we know and what our experiences have been. But that’s why it’s so refreshing to be here, because you have created such an open forum for people to discuss their ideas on love/relationships.

    No one is perfect. And some of us marry the wrong guys. And sometimes we struggle with a really good one. The point is always love and understanding. And I thank you for creating that environment here πŸ™‚ XOXO

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