Sometimes people ask me weird questions such as “Could a gender role reversal save a marriage?” Hmm, at first I thought what a ridiculous question but the more I considered it the less odd the question seemed to me.
When I was married, I stayed home after the birth of our first child. I had originally intended to return to work after maternity leave but the powers that be had other plans for me. I was let go from my job during my early second trimester of my pregnancy. It was an extremely active type of job and I had to take a few days off because of breakthrough bleeding, early in my first trimester.
This was inconvenient for my bosses.
In any case, I took my mat leave and did not return. Thus was the launch of my stay at home mother (SAHM) role. I loved it, too. For the most part that is. There were overwhelming times but overall, I was thrilled to be taking care of my baby. Then baby number two came along exactly two years after. I was head-long into motherhood by then and the thought of returning to my work was complicated. Daycare costs, updating certifications for me, and odd hours of work and my husband’s business travel all pointed to staying at home being the best option for us.
Now, I’m going to say here that the amount of business travel combined with my ex’s leisure activities did cause me to feel quite alone.
I recall he and his colleagues going to pro baseball games, football games and playing golf during business trips. It didn’t really occur to me that there was a great deal of ‘play’ happening on these extended trips. It was the wife of one of the salesman that was irked by it and spoke with me about it. She also was a stay at home mom with babies. We would get together when the guys were away and have dinner or an afternoon together with the kids. We kept each other company during the chaos that accompanies parenthood.
So, here is why this question about gender roles really does have me wondering if the man were the stay at home parent, and the woman was the professional, would it be a more balanced marital structure?
Are non-traditional gender role marriages more balanced and likely to avoid #divorce? #SAHD vs #SAHM Click To TweetI know there are many men who are in fact, the primary care giver and have given up their careers to raise the children while their wife has continued with her career. She is the sole provider for the family.
I am going to go out on a limb here and say that due to the less traditional arrangement, I believe it may actually work better. For example, it would surprise me to hear that a professional woman was taking her clients to strip clubs, staying out until 3 am and golfing all weekend leaving her spouse to manage solo. I believe the majority of professional women are maternally inclined to want to spend their off hours with their children. They do not feel the need to stay away and be macho about parenthood.
What if my ex had stayed home to raise the kids and I continued in my career? We would have survived on less money but would we have been a more cohesive family? I don’t know and never will know the answer to that question. But I’m willing to bet that the majority of marriages that are on the brink of divorce are traditional. The woman is at home and he is out there over using his freedom.
I realize I could get in some trouble from readers for making some presumptions and generalizing regarding gender. To be fair though, I’m also basing my thoughts on my own experiences and those that I witnessed during the years of raising babies. In addition, what I’m really saying is I believe in dads. I believe dads could do an equally good job as a stay at home parent as his wife could. And yes, a woman could do an equally effective job of being the sole provider while also being a mother.
So, over to you, Escapees. What do you think? Could a gender role reversal save a marriage (asking for a friend)?
image source Unsplash by Priscilla Dupreez
Update: Then I come across this new book, Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Um, it seems this question about gender roles is quite legitimate.
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February 22, 2020 at 7:34 amThere are couples whose friends will agree that one person, or the opposite, is clearly the boss. I feel this is often not necessarily a nasty thing. Usually, in these cases, it’s simply that one person feels more strongly about certain things than the opposite, or is by temperament more passive than the opposite. If that person makes most of the choices in family matters, it doesn’t mean that the opposite person features inferiority. These roles can change, anyway, within the event of illness or another family emergency.
lisa
February 25, 2020 at 11:34 amYeah, that’s true that one person may be more the boss, so long as it balances out in other areas—it can work. Still, gender role reversal is something different.
Carol Balawyder
January 4, 2020 at 8:08 amYou raise an interesting issue here. My niece, who is a psychiatrist is the bread winner of the family while her husband is a stay at home Dad. He takes care of the girls, the grocery shopping, meals and household chores (all the jobs traditionally women do but are not paid to do). Their marriage seems to work well but it is still not a socially “accepted” way of marriage by a lot of people I talk to. It’s sort of like in the same category as gay marriages.
I also know of another young woman who has three young children and says that she would go crazy if she had to stay at home. Right now her husband is temporarily a stay at home dad but that has not always been the case. There are some women who need a career.
I am divorced and now single. My daughter is living with her boyfriend. Even living alone I sometimes wish that I had a house-husband to cook me meals or take care of “male” stuff around the house, like a shower that doesn’t work or a stove fan. 🙂
lisa
January 5, 2020 at 10:14 amA house husband would be wonderful, Carol 😀 It’s still ‘unconventional’ to be a stay at home dad, even though there are more and more each year. It is a hard job and in some ways going to work is easier in that you’re getting away and thinking about other things. Goals and self time are all part of it. Stay at home parents should be paid for the hard work they do. Raising kids and taking care of a home is no picnic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, Carol. Nice to see you!
Mabel Kwong
November 30, 2019 at 9:01 pmThis is such a great topic to write and ponder about, Lisa. Very glad you brought it up. Gender is a social construct in many ways, and no reasons why any of us have to follow gender norms when it comes to relationship and marriage. Sorry to hear you felt alone with the kids while your ex went about his business trips and play. It sounded like he took care of himself and didn’t have enough attention on the home front. I feel both parties have to help out at home one way or another to make any partnership work. Doesn’t matter who is the breadwinner so long as there’s a willingness to pitch in to help with everyday chores and communicating your feelings with each other. Here in Australia, carer’s/family leave applies to all gender roles or anyone who really needs it, and in some industries flexible work arrangements is the norm.
lisa
December 2, 2019 at 4:05 pmHi Mabel, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Yes, I agree that mutual support is key no matter who is at home and who is working outside the home. I don’t think my situation was very unique. I like to hear how progressive Australia is with their parental leave. Here, in Canada, it’s quite progressive as well. I believe fathers can have up to a year paid leave. I hope more fathers are taking advantage of the longer leave. I know some would rather return to work to escape the chaos of newborns LOL.
Christine Carter
November 25, 2019 at 4:27 amLisa, I love how you approach these hard conversations with both your perspective and experience in addition to an open mind leaving room for discussion.
I’m not sure if we can generalize what exactly can save a marriage, because we have no idea what has broken in it to address a solution, ya know? Each situation is so individual and as unique as the people in it, but appreciating one another’s roles in the family and meeting each other’s needs in the relationship is key to any good marriage… So if that’s what the marriage needs to open some eyes and hearts to work toward healing and restoration, then wonderful!
lisa
November 25, 2019 at 9:58 amSo true, Chris. I believe opening eyes and hearts through empathy can work miracles. This: “Each situation is so individual and as unique as the people in it,…” YES. Well said.
Suzanne @ The Bookish Libra
November 24, 2019 at 7:43 amInteresting topic. I don’t see gender role reversal as being something that could save a marriage that is on the verge of divorce, just because I’m assuming many factors have driven it to that point. If the marriage isn’t too far gone though, I think it could be a good way to give an eye-opening experience to any husband who thinks staying at home with a child is all play and no work.
lisa
November 24, 2019 at 1:06 pmYes, it could certainly create empathy between the two and that could go a long way. Thanks for stopping over, Suzanne 🙂
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
November 21, 2019 at 2:00 pmI totally agree that a lot of husbands over use their freedom. Many men that have stay-at-home wives who are mothers do not look at what their spouse does as a full time “job.” It’s sad because the man gets home at 5:00 and relaxes, but the mother is on her feet still “working” until long after the kids have gone to bed. I know a lot of couples who went through this phase and ended up divorced. Thankfully, even though I was a stay-at-home mom, my husband was a hands-on father who took over child duties the minute he walked through the door at 5:00. We raised four kids together and honestly, I never could have managed without all of his help. He is a wonderful rarity. <3
lisa
November 21, 2019 at 10:28 pmExactly. And I believe women inherently ‘get it’ even if they are the working parent. So happy for you, Marcia, that your husband was truly present for you and the kids.
Jane Thrive
November 12, 2019 at 10:34 amHi Lisa,
Thanks for the great post! I think a big revision of gender constructs need to happen to make a partnership and marriage more equitable today…and I speak from my own experience on that. With my ex (dad of kids), not only was I the primary breadwinner, but also primary responsible parent for taking care of the home/parenting. I remember at the end of our marriage, one of the things my ex parted with was: you’ll miss all that i do around here. (and i remember being scared by that…)
Until…it dawned on me that after he left–he did such minimal work, it was hardly noticed. And the absence of his anger outbursts and adult temper tantrums and breaking stuff and screaming and raging? That peace was so amazing and wonderful, it couldn’t be measured against the loss of him taking out the trash on occasion. (It’s almost funny now, except he causes a bunch of emo strife, but at least he doesn’t do that in my home anymore!)
I love this narrative about the “mental load” https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
That even if there are gender roles on who is the financial breadwinner may be switched, there are still gender scripted behaviors to unpack in the caregiving/housegiving of the home… just something to think about…
I am grateful that my now hubby is (mostly) aware of this and also helps out a lot–financially, mentally, and emotionally, too. <3 I think gender responsibilities in our western world are based on a construct that was built long before we got here, and so it's our challenge to remove them as best as we can, brick by brick, one small action at a time, when we can, to the best of our abilities. So that I can lessen the burden on my daughters' shoulders as they grow up in this world. Love and hugs! <3
lisa
November 13, 2019 at 2:36 pmYes, gender roles are constructs from long ago, but there is a certain amount of inherent differences that can be attributed to gender. These can cause us to lean toward more traditional roles. Ah, I know it’s complicated. I think the shift as you say, is a slow process. The shift within the marriage could really help us understand each other better.
Ah!! I have to laugh about your ex bragging about all he does…hmmmmm. To be burdened with both income earning and household caring full on is too much for one person.
So good your husband is supportive and able to help in all areas. I’m sure it’s mutual, too.
Thanks for sharing the link for further thought on the subject.
lisa
November 25, 2019 at 5:12 pmJane, that page you linked to is perfect for explaining the societal influence. It made me kind of sad reading it and wondering if I created that same environment for my own kids :/
Jane Thrive
November 27, 2019 at 10:23 amAwww, thanks, Lisa! I think we do the best with what we have in front of us, and so try not to be so hard on yourself!!! In the spirit of the holiday season (and yes, I did see Frozen 2 with my girls–celebrating a little BFF’s bday, lol), sometimes, if we don’t know the way, we just have to do “the next right thing” <3 <3 <3 <3 Love and hugs!
Kimberly
November 12, 2019 at 9:37 amI’m not really sure but when I had to return to work after baby, my husband took the rest of my Canadian maternity leave and stayed home. I worked. He got to see what it was like to be a stay at home parent. We were not in difficult times.
He also had to take care of our son when I was in hospital for a long period of time – taking care of a special needs son. I think that really opened his eyes to the amount of things that I do at home while he works. Again, we were not in difficult times but it did show him a different side of the coin. Did it make him appreciate what I do at home more? In a way yes. But I think he always does.
lisa
November 13, 2019 at 2:31 pmKim, he’s a good one. Mutual support really is the key. I think having an opportunity to be a stay at home dad really creates empathy. Same as for being the bread winner and all that responsibility entails. That must have been terribly difficult to be in hospital during that time 🙁
Marie Kléber
November 8, 2019 at 1:34 amI don’t think it can save a marriage that is not going well. There is more to it in this case.
But definitely role reversal can work great. We tend to think that it’s up to mums to stay at home and look after kids but dads can do this pretty well and some women might better like working outside home too.
Interesting question anyway!
Thanks for sharing Lisa.
lisa
November 9, 2019 at 9:29 amBut if it is the reason why it isn’t going well? Hmmmm, you are in the popular opinion, Marie and points well made. Moms are very much the primary caregivers naturally and it all begins with breast feeding. They’re attached to us for the first few months at least. Thanks, Marie for reading and sharing your thoughts. Always nice to see you here <3
Tamara
November 7, 2019 at 7:01 amhmm.. maybe? Maybe just an understanding and communication could save a marriage, and if that included a role reversal, by all means.
I think me working does help Cassidy and me, but it wouldn’t save us. Although me realizing that he wants to be comforted when upset and likes to be wined and dined too.. that’s really made a difference!
lisa
November 7, 2019 at 7:11 pmYES, great points, Tamara. Thanks for weighing in. :>
Balroop Singh
November 6, 2019 at 6:48 pmI wouldn’t like to generalise Lisa but agree with you that women feel a natural pull toward home where children are waiting. Probably they have been conditioned by nature since times immemorial to feel more responsible or maternal instinct is stronger due to the umbilical cord that doesn’t seem to snap off 🙂
Having said that, I would like to emphasise that rifts in a marriage depend on people, respect for each other and their values. Gender role reversal has got nothing to do with a marriage, which has to be nurtured with love, tolerance, patience and co-operation.
lisa
November 7, 2019 at 7:10 pmWell, I guess I did (generalize) but just for the sake of consideration. YES, women being maternal are more likely to spend off time with their babies, I’m sticking to that idea 🙂 Yes, I agree, Balroop and you have put it so eloquently.
DGKaye
November 6, 2019 at 4:52 pmInteresting post Lis. I don’t see why dad couldn’t stay home in role reversal. Plenty of dads are taking on the role these days, but I don’t necessarily think that magically makes a relationship better. I think, despite whomever takes on either role works well when there is understanding, compassion and good communication in a relationship, which is a good foundation for whichever way a couple decides who is the breadwinner with no harbored hard feelings. 🙂
lisa
November 7, 2019 at 7:08 pmYes, indeed all those good things make a big difference, Deb. It almost renders the gender roles less important.