The pandemic caused me to do some things I wouldn’t normally do…and whether it was out of necessity or desire is still unclear. For example;

#1 I tied my Beau to a kitchen chair…then I cut his hair.

…I broke his throne and then, well, you know the rest. In my defense, he was beginning to look like a mad scientist. Consequently, he was grateful for the amateur hair trim. The only part he didn’t like is that I used the same water sprayer I use on my plants to dampen his hair. It was cold water on the nape of his neck. A sensitive and vulnerable spot on a man. He winced and I apologized but smiled. It must be a sadistic side in me, taking pleasure from his discomfort like that. I blame Covid.

Luckily, his ego could take his throne being broken by a woman.

I think every woman should break her intended’s throne before walking down the aisle. If he doesn’t care? He’s the right one.

Don’t ask me how to break his throne, I borrowed that idea from Leonard.

9 (other) Bizarre Things Covid Made Me Do

#2 I bought sour patch kids, mars bars and black licorice.

It was pointed out to me that these were not essential. I nodded in agreement but still kept them in the shopping cart. Then my Beau surprised me when he agreed that it was a good idea to have some comfort treats during the pandemic as we didn’t know how long we would be locked down and when they may run out of supplies. Don’t have to tell me twice.

I didn’t previously have a sweet tooth. This was a new thing for me and one that my hips and thighs have not benefited from.

#3 I locked down my wine habit.

Wine was neatly entrenched (a word therapists use to describe bad habits) into my daily routine. In case you weren’t aware, wine is a habit-forming drug used to treat anxiety. It also disguises its true purpose by pretending to be a classy beverage. Luckily it is considered an essential by both my Beau and the government. Liquor stores remained open and the line ups to get in snaked around corners on sidewalks with persons remaining two meters apart. Apparently, this anxiety treatment is quite popular. So, Covid made me lock this habit down, if it wasn’t entrenched already.

#4 I noticed my neighbors and their odd habits.

Bear in mind that I live in an apartment and since no one was going to work, or even going out at all, it was hard to avoid my neighbors. Specifically it was hard to not notice their odd behaviors. One neighbor has a pet bird that perches on his deck, another listens to the radio and smokes all night, others have smelly barbecues that they have fired up without cleaning and some BBQ without a shirt on. Speaking of cleaning, whoever lives above us decided to vacuum every single day of lockdown. I felt sorry for her/him. If vacuuming is all I could think of doing I would also feel sorry for myself.

Of course, when we were all outside at 7:00 pm sharp to bang our pots and pans in honor of our front-line workers, I had a chance to wave hello to my mixed bag of neighbors. This is something I didn’t have an opportunity to do before. Covid made me get to know my quirky neighbors.

#5 I decluttered instead of taking a nap

I soon began noticing the variety of clutter littering my home: teaspoons on the counter, the drips from used tea bags, peanut butter knives, empty wine glasses, half full coffee mugs, scraps of paper, books on every surface.

I couldn’t help but wonder was the clutter there before or did it just appear with the mysterious Covid-19? In our bedroom: Clothes strewn about, my pile of ‘stuff’ that didn’t even seem necessary at this point (day 35 ish) Do I really need all these pairs of jeans? My urge to clean and declutter became greater than my urge to nap. During quarantine, the detritus of our existence was in constant view and Covid made me see it.

#6 Learned the Foods Beau doesn’t like

I also learned about the foods my beau doesn’t like and I was “Shocked! Shocked I tell you!” Just like Captain Louis Renault. My eyes got wide and my mouth hung open in disbelief when my Beau told me—wait for it—he didn’t care for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies! Here’s how I found out about his dirty little secret:

Me: “I’ll make oatmeal chocolate cookies this week.”

Beau: “I don’t like oatmeal cookies.” Frown on face.

Me: “What? Yes you do.” Disbelief on face.

Beau: “No, I don’t.”

Me: “But you’ve been eating my oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for years, fresh out of the oven. And you’re just now telling me you don’t like them?” Disbelief on face.

Beau: “I like peanut butter cookies.” you-know-this-about-me face.

Silence.

I’ve never made peanut butter cookies, except for when my kids were little and that wasn’t often. They preferred my oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

My god, you think you know a man. But there’s more!

It was uncovered over the course of lockdown that my Beau doesn’t like Annie’s Mac and Cheese. He doesn’t like fruit smoothies. He doesn’t even like perogies. Before you take a sharp intake of breath, I didn’t find this out all in one sitting. That would have caused light headedness not to mention dysphoria. In case you’re wondering, lucky for him, I cut his hair before these revelations. You think you know a man—then Covid hits.

#7 I bought a cookbook, sight unseen.

Bob Segar might have been tired of his own voice, but I was tired of my own cooking. And I suspect my Beau was too. Perhaps it was the not so discreet statement that it was “wall to wall chicken around here” (really nervy after the last conversation about cookies and such).

So I called my local bookstore and asked the owner to choose a cookbook for me, anything with nice pictures—“surprise me” I said. My life didn’t have enough surprises apparently.

Two weeks later, Six Seasons: A New Way With Vegetables was delivered to my door. Oh, noooooooo…

A new way with vegetables? I don’t think so, not at my age. Vegetables are what they are. I’ve cooked them every which way until Tuesday. Not to mention, the Beau doesn’t even care for cooked vegetables. His vegetables are often served raw. This I knew before quarantine so it wasn’t part of the dysphoric reality I was now living.

I wanted to say, after the books were delivered to me, “Um, sir? We eat meat here. Can you donate this piece of rubbish book to someone who is vegetarian?”

Instead, I took the tomb of a book into my lap and cracked the spine, scoffed at the introduction and looked at the pictures. Later I proceeded to pickle some vegetables. There was something I hadn’t done with vegetables!

Turns out you’re never too old to learn new tricks with vegetables. Pickling, for example. AND you don’t need meat to round out a meal, fried cauliflower works just as well—said no one except Joshua McFadden.

#8 I pickled cauliflower, celery, beans and cucumbers.

See above.

#9 Sewed my own kimono, without a pattern.

Yeah, I used my brain cells (see entrenched habit) to design, cut and sew a long open front kimono style robe. I made it from left over silk material my seamstress friend had given me.

I sewed one sleeve inside out and when I saw this glaring error, I sighed and cried then decided to ignore it. Turns out I like the inside-out look better than the correctly sewn, seam inside.

Mistakes can be happy and show us that a different way can be just as good and even more interesting the right way. I still blame Covid for my Kimono.

#10 Bought a James A. Michener novel

Yup, all 1095 pages of Hawaii sits upon my book shelf. I’m uncertain whether it is shelved under TBR (to be read) or DNF (did not finish), since I got to page 243 and proceeded to abandon the whole thing. It’s in tiny print and very, very thin pages.

I’m telling you it is goading me from the shelf. Daring me to try again. To make a go of it. To really do it.

Hell to the no on this one. I don’t usually DNF books but this one might be justified. I also bought it without seeing it IRL (one of the problems with online shopping). You would think that a novel to do with history of far away places that we cannot possibly travel to during Covid, would be tonic to our claustrophobic, house-bound condition.

Well, James, it is not.

You are no cure to the travel suppressed humans that we are today. Honestly? I think Mr. Michener could have told the story in much the same way in half the word count. But who am I to judge a world famous, old, white, male, serious writer? So, he may have been a Nobel Pulitzer Prize winner. I say they should make a prize for people who finish books like Hawaii. “Nobel Literature Endurance Prize” or some such thing. Let’s make it a thing.

Meantime, Hawaii will remain a place I travel to and not a place I read about.

And there were other bizarre and surprising things that Covid made me do. But this is getting too long and in the interests of keeping you interested, I’m going to end it right here.

What bizarre things did Covid-19 make YOU do? Please share in the comments.