I can’t believe we’re well into month five of 2018. Almost half way through another year…and I was thinking back to my promise to live ‘fearlessly authentic’ in 2018. It’s time for a quick check-in to see how I’m doing. You may recall this wonderful image that inspired my whole year;
I’ve been running through this whole thing in my mind and checking in with myself to determine whether I’ve been authentic. I would say the answer is ‘yes’.
In truth, I seem to have the authentic part down but it’s the fearless part that isn’t coming as easily.
I typically say what I mean but if I’m not sure how to tell someone that I; a) don’t agree with them, b) think they’re an asshat or c) they have said or done something to hurt me…I don’t say anything at all…mostly.
So, this is where I fail at fearless. I don’t always say exactly what’s on my mind. Now, I could beat myself up about this and say, well I’m a coward when it comes to telling it like it is…
In fact, my beau will scold me if I don’t give him shit immediately when he has slighted me. But because of my trepidation in starting unnecessary fights, I stay quiet and think about it, first. If after a few days I’m annoyed still or think said issue needs airing, I’ll do it then. He doesn’t like that I wait because then he says, he gets caught out in right field. I’ve been working on changing this habit of mine which can come across as passive aggressive. Although I don’t mean to be that way, it’s rather an avoidance, ‘have to think about it’ technique.
On the other hand, I have learned that there are many times that silence is far superior to speaking angry, hurt or confused words. Sometimes the best thing we can do is remain quiet and let things ride. Often things fall into place anyhow without our getting all bent out of shape.
It has taken me several years to learn this although admittedly, I’m not confrontational to begin with. Still, I have spoken without thinking too many times in the past and regretted it later. I’m not talking about flat out insults, but honest statements that may have offended. You could say I was too authentic.
One time, many years ago, I met for the first time an old friend of my husband’s. I was very young, I’ll reiterate. This couple had two sons who proceeded to tear up our house but that wasn’t even the problem. When they confessed that a relative of theirs had a son with webbed hands (or was it feet?) I blurted out that the child would be a good swimmer and giggled. Not cool. I inadvertently offended them. Was I authentic? Hell yeah. That is my humor right down to the drop but turns out not everyone gets my humor…
So, for me, half way through this year the question is finding a balance between speaking, complaining and being authentic. After all, if I’m pissed then shouldn’t I be expressing it? That would be genuine, as long as it’s for the right reasons. In fact, I know that I’ll speak up if something is really important to me and I believe it needs to be straightened out. I did speak out several times with family regarding issues and I can honestly say that in some instances it was effective but in most it only caused more friction and zero changes.
With all of this to consider, I’m going to tweak my word or phrase of the year from fearlessly authentic to be authentically unemotional.
Without reacting and taking everything personally, I’m freeing my emotional energy up to be authentic.
I like that better than being fearless. And I like giving zero fucks. That really rings a bell for me and I aspire to be one of those women who doesn’t really care, darling. I’m too busy having fun to be offended by what you say about me…besides it’s none of my business.
Oh, and before I forget, there was some discussion about natural hair color. I foolishly thought that I would shed my blonde highlights. What a laugh. My silvers are coming through my roots and I can’t have that. Turns out, when it comes to authenticity—there’s a limit. As I recall, many of you agree on that point. 🙂
I’m wondering as I write this if it’s cool to post a blog without subheadings? Anyone have any thoughts? Yoast is telling me my blog needs improvement and I know exactly what it wants—subheadings. Well, I give zero fucks, Yoast.
Please do hit the comments and share your thoughts/experiences of being authentic, honest, rude, funny, hurtful or confused. I don’t want to feel all alone here!
Don’t forget, Escapees, you can grab your copy of Hearts Unbroken now on Amazon and have the ebook delivered to your e-reader June 1st! Paper backs will also be available on Amazon. Yup, I just completed a new book—my first published work of fiction *beams*.
Story excerpts coming soon.
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sudeesh
July 29, 2018 at 9:08 pmHey Lisa, Your blog is very inspiring and “you are doing great”. You have proved that women is no less than men in all. Standing on your own word really need guts and You seemed to be the one. Keep going:)
lisa
August 1, 2018 at 9:48 amThanks, Sudeesh!
Aaron haynes
May 29, 2018 at 11:23 pmHi Lisa,
I am extremely excited to get your books.
For details visit us at,
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Vishnu
May 21, 2018 at 8:42 amI’m looking forward to the book Lisa. Congratulations!
And have a happy authentically unemotional rest of the year!
lisa
May 22, 2018 at 10:46 amThank you, Vishnu! I hope it’s possible to be authentically unemotional LOL.
Mabel Kwong
May 21, 2018 at 5:45 amWhat a powerful post about giving zero fucks and being fearless, Lisa. Good on you. Speak your mind, you speak your authentic self. Sure, some will take offence at what we say…but at the end of the day it really is very important to speak the truth. Speak the truth, be real.
I’ve never been one to use subheadings in a blog post until recently. I find that it breaks up the flow of the piece and draws readers’ attention to certain sections they want to read.
Congrats on the fiction book 🙂
lisa
May 22, 2018 at 10:45 amYES, thank you Mabel. It’s knowing which things are the important ones—but we do know. In our hearts we always know when we need to speak the truth.
I agree that for some blog posts, sub titles can be helpful. They tend to interrupt the flow of some posts though. 😛
My Inner Chick
May 19, 2018 at 6:50 am~~Hello, Lisa.
Yes, it is a balance.
Sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all.
I’m thinking of Kay ( after the murder ) I told people this, “No words. Please don’t say anything.”
If I hurt their feelings, I Don’t Care!
Anyhow, Great Blog! Luv U. x
lisa
May 20, 2018 at 12:43 pmYou were right to state that need for silent support because there are NO words. That’s not rude to say either. Most of us have no clue what to say in the event of such a tragedy, so always better to take action rather than use words. Thanks, Kim for sharing your experience here xoxo
Shantala
May 18, 2018 at 7:48 amI love that you are doing this check in. So many people start with grand intention, and then simply forget about their word of the year.
And I can completely relate with what you are saying. Being fearless in that way is kinda tricky for me too, especially because I am non-confrontational. Though I don’t necessarily feel like it is a bad thing, because like you said, in many cases silence can prevent a lot of damage.
Good luck with your new and modified word of the year. 🙂
lisa
May 20, 2018 at 12:41 pmTrue. You are my inspiration, Shantala. You’re so good about checking in on your goals! Charlotte is as well. Another non-confrontational soul. It’s hard but there are limits to what we can take. Then, boom. 😀
Jane Thrive
May 17, 2018 at 4:40 pmLove and hugs, Lisa! Zero fucks, I love it!!!! LOL
I agree, it’s hard to be “fearless”–and lately I’ve been struggling with imposter anxiety and anxiety in general. I know i’m not the smartest person in the room, but I can be kind. I hope that’s enough, but then, why should I give a fuck if it’s not? I wonder if women in general have been socialized to gauge the emotional temperature in the room and take the responsibility to equalize it–and that’s where we get the initial responses of not offending, caring a little bit too much about how others react, etc. Or maybe not. Maybe that’s a human thing, but it’s something I see my women friends doing more than my men friends… hm…i sense a blog topic coming up. LOL
and CONGRATULATIONS on your new book!!!!! yipeee!!!! Cheers to being authentic!!!!!! <3 <3 <3
lisa
May 20, 2018 at 10:48 amHaha, yes. ZF as Chris put it more politely.
You’ve been through a lot in the recent months, Jane so I’m not surprised to hear your anxiety is flaring up. Take care of you and know you’re more than ENOUGH. Being kind is more important than being the smartest person in the room, so win for you! Yes, the caring too much about what people think or how they take our verbal cues, could be a female socialized problem. In that case, let’s stop it now…let’s kick it in the butt. Zero fucks, my friend!
Ajay Chander R.
May 16, 2018 at 10:30 pmThank you for pointing out your experience and wonderful article.
lisa
May 17, 2018 at 9:26 amThank you, Ajay.
Marcia @ Menopausal Mother
May 15, 2018 at 12:18 pmI think you are making great progress so far in the changes. I like the idea of thinking things over before jumping into an argument. This is something I need to do more of!
lisa
May 17, 2018 at 9:27 amThank you, Marcia—I hope i am. 🙂 There is value in thinking before speaking so long as it isn’t holding in too much. That elusive balance.
Chrys Fey
May 15, 2018 at 10:37 amWhen I was younger, I used to keep my mouth zipped, let people walk all over me and treat me bad, but then I got fed up with it and busted out of my shell. Then I started to get called a bitch. No lie. It’s like you can’t win. When you finally get the nerve to stand up for yourself and open your mouth, you’re a bitch. Bam. Just like that. Now, there are times when I wish I wouldn’t open my mouth or wish I wouldn’t express my anger…because my anger can be quite explosive and I don’t like it. I want to find that happy medium, but for me, it seems to be one extreme or the other. I hope you find that happy medium.
lisa
May 16, 2018 at 9:00 amI can relate to that all too well, Chrys. I always had a line though, even as a child, if I thought someone was going to far I would speak up. But I know what you mean! Doormat to bitch. WOW. That is not right but again, all too familiar. I think I wrote a blog post about that a few years back LOL and how being nice can get us into trouble. Good for you for becoming a ‘bitch’. Let’s be proud of that title 😀
Charlotte
May 15, 2018 at 8:04 amPS: Just ordered your book!! Can’t wait until it’s available to read!!
lisa
May 16, 2018 at 8:57 amYay, that’s wonderful. I hope you enjoy it!
Charlotte
May 15, 2018 at 8:03 amI get this. Totally. I have a hard time expressing my feelings sometimes and then I end up spilling at inopportune moments and catching everyone in my wake off guard. It happens, but I think that for you (and for me!) there’s probably a better way of dealing with things. The hurt, especially. Maybe we just need to let the dust settle before we “get into it”?
I had an issue recently with Bryan’s mom for instance. I found that she was way involved with our house hunt, to the extent of showing up at open houses and trying to talk me into houses she knew I didn’t like. I was enraged. I allowed some time to cool down and spoke to Bryan about it, and I’m glad that I did. I realize now that it’s her way of trying to help. I got her a little gift on Mother’s Day and she was so touched, she sent me the sweetest text about it. Had I exploded on her, I feel I would have said some things I later would have deeply regretted.
Anyway, it is so difficult to walk that line! I love that you strive to remain your most authentic self. And I know that sometimes what we say isn’t always interpreted the way we mean (ie., the good swimmer comment). I love you, momma, and am sending all the XOXOs your way!! <3 Hope you have a great week and can't wait to read your new writing!
lisa
May 16, 2018 at 8:57 amYES. exactly, Charlotte. I need to make sure I’m not over reacting…but then why not over react sometimes? What terrible thing is going to happen? LOL.
It’s a good thing you had a talk to Bryan about the situation. Boundary setting needs to be established early. Some people’s idea of helping is actually meddling and can be damaging. Good for you for getting that sorted out before it got out of control.
The line of civilized and satisfied…and authentic. We do the best we can.
Marie Kléber
May 15, 2018 at 6:02 amSo good for the book Lisa! Can’t wait to read it!
I do believe silence is better sometime. Or at least we should think twice about what we are about to say. Cause words can cause great damage and it’s not easy afterwards to make it right again.
I think you’re right about fearless. It’s tough to have no fears at all, not sure it’s even something we should aim for, as fears exist for a reason – not always a good one for sure. But as we can’t live without, we should learn to live despite them.
I am glad to see that you’re doing great on your “promise” Lisa. Keep going! You’ll make it!
lisa
May 16, 2018 at 8:53 amHey Marie, thank you and you make a good point about fears having purpose. I’ve experienced the damage of words and maybe that’s why I try to be careful with the ones I use. Thanks, Marie!
Christine Carter
May 14, 2018 at 7:39 amLOL. I love you, Lisa. I just do. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think I have ever used headings. WTH is that for? Yeah. ZF. (I swear in real life, but for some WEIRD reason, I struggle to write it out- so let’s go with acronyms, mkay? 🙂
Also- I loved your processing on this tough and tricky issue with expressing our feelings when we are hurt or angry. I literally nodded all the way through- because I GET IT. I get ALL of what you said. I think it’s wise to let things mull a bit before sharing because that helps to gain perspective and assess your internal temperature before you talk it out. I also am with you on not feeling comfortable sharing our feelings when the record shows it will not change a thing, and sometimes even make matters worse. It just depends on the person, really.
I try to aim for people who will listen and respect my views, my feelings, my responses. BUT as we all know, there are people in our lives we can’t choose, and well- it’s difficult to navigate around those people sometimes. (Perhaps all the time!)
You know how I feel about the coloring of hair. Me and you, girl. Me and you. <3
lisa
May 14, 2018 at 3:35 pmI like your acronym, Chris. Haha. Thank you for getting this, Chris because I hate feeling like the only one who can’t find the right words at the right time. I’ve learned the hard way that some peeps give ZF about your feelings or your honesty. In fact, they resent it. When this is the case, I shut down because why open up when it makes no difference? Absolutely important to know who cares and who will listen with an open heart and mind. Hair color til the end, sister!
Tamara
May 11, 2018 at 9:42 amYoast is an asshole, right? Right.
I’m with you about striking that balance, but we’re all just figuring it out and making it up as we go!
I struggle with asking for what I want. The other day I was going to fall into my irritation pattern of Cassidy staying out gardening until after dark while I balance work/kids and finally I just called out, “I need you in here to help with dinner.” He said, “Ok!”
That was really it. It took me 37 years to figure that one out?
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 5:40 pmRight! 😛
We’re making it up as we go—how true!!
Ha. Thanks for pointing out how simple it should be to avoid those ‘feelings’ of frustration. Ask and ye shall receive! Good man that Cassidy.
Kimberly
May 11, 2018 at 3:39 amI am not a confrontational person. I will bite my tongue until words and emotions collide in the back of my throat and they all punch out in a fury of flames in the other person’s face …. like 5 months later. I’m a work in progress. I just can’t seem to do it in the moment ya know? I get very anxious and need to think about what I want to say and before you know it, the moment has past – and really, do I need to bring it up anymore?
I will forever dye my hair. It’s a me thing. I have nothing against people who embrace their authentic selves and go grey. I think its wonderful. I just like being colourful 😉
And congrats again on the book! I’ll be waiting for paperback because…ahem…I like books. I also have not embraced ereaders. I like pages.
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 5:39 pmAhhh, I like how you describe the build up—then BAM, five months later. I can completely relate, Kim. I do that too. I’m trying really hard to NOT do that anymore. It’s so unhealthy. I love your hair color and couldn’t imagine you any other shade.
Thank you, Kim. I also love a hand held paperback book. I’ll get one in your hands 😉
Balroop Singh
May 10, 2018 at 7:42 pmA wonderful post Lisa!
I admire your honesty and making an effort to be authentic. I remember very clearly that all grown ups around me told me ‘never lie’…’be honest’ but childhood lessons get a shock when you go out into the wide world and realise that most of the people like hypocrisy, honesty is just a word that changes its definition according to the situation. I found myself in awkward situations many times for being authentic and fearless, people even criticised me for being too truthful!
I have learnt in a hard way that nobody likes to be criticised, all people are right in their own way and we have to pretend to be nice!! I have seen people who say…’I don’t want to rock my boat’…and time comes when they have to face a storm!
However, the secret of my close and loving relationship with my husband is authenticity, blurting out my emotions immediately and he knows I would never suppress my feelings. 🙂
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 11:39 amThank you, Balroop. I do get an ‘A’ for effort. Good example of adults teaching things they actually do not abide by themselves. How annoying. I’ve learned that not everyone can take our authenticity. We turn people off with the truth (out truth) even when it’s based on facts. Yes, and the giving zero f***s allows us to not judge others, not care how they do things and live and let live—until it interferes with our life in a negative way. I think Eli is onto something when he says that authenticity is subjective. I’m happy to hear you can say anything and show all emotions to your hubby. I’m learning, too.
ShootingStarsMag
May 10, 2018 at 6:00 pmOkay first off, subheadings and all that SEO stuff…it just throws me off sometimes on what it wants! LOL Oh well, I can’t worry about it all the time.
Anyway, back to your post. I get what you mean – I don’t like confrontation either, and besides, a lot of time it IS good to stop and think about what you want to say, because otherwise it might come out meaner than you meant. But I also get where your boyfriend is coming from – bringing things up later might seem like an attack. It’s tricky, but it’s also just a matter of working with different personalities.
-Lauren
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 11:33 amThat SEO is annoying and I’ve learned a lesson; don’t spend hours trying to improve it. I did that once and read a bunch of YOAST help blogs and guess what? I took their advice and inadvertently eradicated all my old links that were published on social media. It took me a while to figure out why my old pins for example, were taking people to 404 pages. I finally figured it out and it was because I took some stupid SEO advice to modify my links. They didn’t mention that if you do that all of your old links that are already out there, will be defunct. Just a tiny detail… 😛
Sorry, off on a tangent. Yes, you’re right about different personalities. My Beau should know by now that I’ll bring something up after the fact. I’m getting better at not letting much time in between said annoyance and discussion. I’m down to max 2 days.
dgkaye
May 10, 2018 at 6:00 pmLove, love this post! We are a lot alike my friend as I have the same issues, lol, or maybe not issues? I hate confrontation, and as much as I feel it’s hard to hold back I do, as time out when angry is a great idea to not say anything heated to escalate a situation before I’ve appraised it carefully. It works. But, there’s always going to be that time I may blurt something out too, not hurtful mind you, but maybe a little cutting, lol. 🙂 xx
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 11:29 amYes. I’m glad I’m not alone here, Deb. It’s hard to know sometimes if I’m over reacting to something stupid (and often the things that set me off are stupid, little things). Time out is good and it’s also good to send him to a time out LOL. Haha!
dgkaye
May 12, 2018 at 5:23 pmLollllllllll 🙂 xx
lisa
May 14, 2018 at 3:36 pm😀
Eli@CoachDaddy
May 10, 2018 at 1:03 pmI think that there are probably not really right or wrong reactions, you know? I’m learning this with age. There are only authentic reactions, but these are broken down – do I blurt, or do I play it out/take the high road? that’s where it happens. Or doesn’t.
I think true authenticity isn’t tried and true. It’s subjective and selective, like hair color or listening to 303! when you also consider yourself a good parent. They both can happen.
Love your words here, as always Lisa. It’s amazing the learning we’re still doing, isn’t it?
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 11:27 amNow I want to look up 303. But yes, you add a great perspective here, Eli by pointing out that reactions are authentic but not necessarily right or wrong. Authenticity is subjective…I hadn’t considered that. Thanks for sharing here.
lisa
May 17, 2018 at 9:44 amK, just listening to 3Oh3! haha. Pretty fun stuff. Also reminds me of mid-90’s early 2000’s music.
Shali
May 10, 2018 at 12:30 pmHi Lisa. Great read. I know I struggle a lot with doing/saying “the right thing” . I agree that letting things work themselves out is always a good idea but not in all circumstances. Like our partners for instance, I can get myself into trouble with that one. I bought a book yesterday called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a f&;k. Looking forward to reading it. Thanks for your honest perspective Lisa.
lisa
May 11, 2018 at 11:25 amHey Shali, silence isn’t always golden, eh? Oh, I want to borrow that book after you’ve finished reading! Thanks for stopping in and sharing 😀