Why do moms lose custody of their children? Furthermore, how does a mom cope when she loses custody of her children?
Well, there are many reasons it can happen. Addiction, neglect or abuse would be list toppers. In those cases, it makes sense for the welfare of the children. I’ve read blogs written by mothers who have given up their children due to addiction. They maintain a relationship with them but they are not the custodial parent.
I don’t really want to go into addiction and mothering on this post though.
There are other ways a mother can lose custody. One of them is because she is ‘poor’ as in she has no resources for the legal system.
I wrote about the helpless cycle a woman can get into when it comes to the legal system in the article Divorce Law-Protect or Infect? If a woman was economically dependent on her husband while married, if she was a full time mother and staying home to raise the children…these situations lend themselves to economic hardship upon separation and divorce. On top of that, she isn’t likely to have much money for legal fees.
I realize that’s what alimony and spousal support are designed for. They’re designed to bridge the gap until the economically dependent spouse can get back on their feet financially. Whether that’s to re-educate, re-certify, or simply find an entry level job, there is no doubt that alimony and spousal support can bridge the income gap experienced by the newly separated spouse.
I’ll tell you what it is NOT designed for. Alimony and spousal support are not designed to pay for legal fees. No, sir. Legal fees are the avalanche that hang over your head with every new legal bill, just waiting to dispatch and drown you. You won’t be able to breathe under the debt. Meanwhile, if your ex is earning a substantial income and is inclined to fight for custody, you are at a grave disadvantage.
They can appeal. They can Appeal again, until they ‘win’ the children in an epic battle from hell. In fact, Gossip Girl actress, Kelly Rutherford’s story is the perfect example of an epic child custody battle. She lost and we’ve seen her pain publicly. She’s been in the news with each new appeal. She has(d) money, too but again, will there be any left when it’s all said and done? Apparently she is currently faced with bankruptcy.
Back to us regular moms, though. It can happen to anyone. A woman can easily fall victim to the legal system. When it’s over she has lost control. Most importantly, she has lost custody of her children. Of course, this doesn’t mean she has lost them altogether but it is devastating. She has lost her most important role: Motherhood.
Someone contacted me not long ago asking if I knew of any support groups (on-line) for non-custodial mothers. I was at a loss. I didn’t know of a single group. I could think of many general divorce support groups for women but not specifically non-custodial moms. It made me realize they are (hopefully) a minority in the divorce world but certainly in need of some specialized support. It’s like the upside down, backwards result of divorce.
Being a non-custodial mom goes against societal norms and with that comes judgment. First thought may be what did she do to lose her kids? Meanwhile, she did nothing. She ran out of money. Forget the judgers. Don’t feel the need to explain your situation because someone asks. It’s none of their business. Choose who you want to share your story with carefully.
Take part in everything you can possibly be involved in with your children. School activities, sports, recitals, doctor/dental appointments—all that stuff. Take the exciting events with the mundane. Show up. Don’t give up. Your continuity will make a big difference in the long run.
How? Start with the little things (see above). One of the biggest things we lose as moms during divorce is ‘control’. That may be control of money, decisions regarding the children, time with the children and lastly, what the children do when they’re away from you. It’s all out of our control.
Instead of focusing on this loss, take control of the things you can. For example, control things in your own life first. Your surroundings, your work, your hobbies…this will give you more power. The more powerful you feel, the more confident you will be and this will lead to positive decision making.
You would be surprised how much you can do yourself, legally speaking. For example, I have written an article titled Deadbeat 911, on how to get your child support as a self represented litigant. I’ve attached legal forms that are filled out as an example.
You may not qualify for legal aid but there are legal experts at courthouses that help self represented persons on various legal matters, often in family law. They are called ‘duty counsels’ here in Canada but I’m sure there are similar lawyers in U.S. and U.K.
Another way to do this is to find a lawyer who is willing to review your work before you file it and basically work with you on a limited scope. This will also save you thousands of dollars.
I think everyone should have the ability to file an application in court. Why? Because having the knowledge and confidence to deal with certain legal issues on your own is a powerful tool when dealing with an ex who has unlimited monetary resources.
It’s the ideal time to attain necessary knowledge and experience in order to avoid being completely victimized. You don’t have to be powerless to the legal system.
Although it may sound counter-intuitive, having less time with your kids is an opportunity. It means you have more time for yourself. That’s something that we’re not accustomed to. It can take some getting used to if you were a full-time SAHM (stay at home mom).
It will be painful and lonely at first but if you take a positive view, it will be the beginning a beautiful friendship—with yourself. This will allow you to be an even better mom. You 3.0. So, now is the time to learn something new, be open to meeting new people, or re-discover your passions.
Losing custody of her children is the most painful experience a mother can have. Not only is it like losing a limb (or 2 or 3) but it goes against societal norms of motherhood, often making the non-custodial mom feel like an outcast.
Furthermore, in situations where a mom has been railroaded by a litigious ex with lots of money, it’s even more frustrating. In spite of it we have to focus on what we can control. We’re still mothers whether our kids are at dad’s or with us. We can also take some legal control to a certain extent, easing our financial burden as well as giving us some power and control over our situation.
Focus on the time you do have with your kids.
Always be there for them.
You will always be their mother no matter how close or how far.
Above all else, be good to yourself because you are worthy.
Do you know or are you a non-custodial mom? Please add your thoughts…
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H
July 31, 2020 at 7:42 pmGreat article. Found it looking up non custodial moms.. Glad Im not alone. It’s so excruciatingly hard!!!
I’d love to be friends with someone in the same position.. anyone…?
lisa
August 1, 2020 at 9:03 amIt is hard but you’re not alone. Look for a support group (on-line) or in your community.
Jema
July 20, 2020 at 12:50 amThank you for providing so much information for those parents who are battling this situation, Lisa.
Much appreciated.
lisa
July 22, 2020 at 9:54 amThanks, Jema.
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January 5, 2020 at 10:31 am[…] 5. For Non Custodial Moms […]
Serenity Roulstone
November 2, 2019 at 9:15 pmThis article resonates with me.
For ten years I LOVED being a full-time sahm with our 4 beautiful children.
I had no addictions and I was never unfaithful to my husband.
I was terribly trusting, naive and ignorant. During what I thought was a temporary separation to give me a mental health break after ten years of marriage, I signed away rights to any property division, spousal support or alimony, because I thought I would be returning home. I was completely shocked when I was served with divorce papers and accused of ‘abandoning’ the family. I had no idea how to fight him. I lost custody of our children because I had no money and had no idea how to navigate the legal system.
I had no family support as I’d been raised by grandparents. My grandfather was deceased and my grandmother was in a home for seniors in a distant city.
Once my ex remarried he and his new wife, who had no children of her own, refused any attempts to co-parent with me. They limited phone calls to once-a-week and resisted me having any involvement with the children outside of the visitation schedule, which they controlled. They made it very uncomfortable, not only for me, but for the children, if I participated in or attended school, community or church activities with the children. It was confusing to be accused of abandoning the children, but then being faulted for trying to stay involved in their lives in all the ways I had before the divorce.
I was devastated, even considered suicide, but then I pulled myself together. I knew I had to survive, and thrive, if I was to continue to be any kind of mother for my children. I stayed active in church and community. I took out student loans and worked to put myself through 5 years of university. I obtained a double English/Education degree, with distinction. Even though I had to live in a city 3 hours away from where my children lived, to attend school, I never missed a visitation weekend or holiday with them. I drove many hours late at night and MADE it work.
It was difficult when I was often hurt and/or angry, but I resisted undermining my children’s relationships with their father and step-mother. I believe that is morally wrong and it would have only made matters worse for my children.
Once I started teaching and could depend on a regular paycheck, I looked forward to better days. I was mistaken. Though there had been no property division, no spousal support, no alimony AND I had student loans to repay, my ex’s wife chose this time to insist he apply, out of ‘principal’ and not out of need, for child support. According to the laws in our part of the country, as non-custodial parent I had to comply. I gritted my teeth and did it, continuing to live just barely above the poverty level as I worked to pay off the student loans. Then, my ex moved the family 1500 miles away and across an international border where I could not obtain an employment visa, making it impossible for me to move there as well. There could be no more weekend visits.
It was all I could do to afford to drive to their new location once or twice a year. I couldn’t afford international air fare or a hotel so I ‘camped out’ in my car in shopping mall parking lots in order to spend holidays with my children. I had to continue to pay child support because my ex registered me with the government for non-payment one summer when I was between teaching jobs and had no money to pay the child support. The government could suspend my passport so I could not travel outside the country to visit the children if I did not pay. The battle never seemed to end.
I never had the finances to obtain legal assistance.
I did everything else suggested in this article to make the best of a bad situation, to improve my life and be a good parent in spite of the distances and limited time we had together.
If the ex and new step-parent are not willing to co-parent. What then?
Though my situation eventually improved and I was able to help support the children when they were in college, and I maintained positive contact with them, this madness continued into the their adult lives and now, even the lives of my grandchildren. Even though I spend hard-earned money to travel thousands of miles to visit with the children and their families on special occasions, my ex and his wife, who live in the same vicinity and can see them more often, threaten not to attend important family events if I am present. More than twenty-five years later, our children still have to choose between us. Sometimes the stress makes them emotionally and physically ill. I would rather bow out than be a source of such angst. What more can I do?
I have to be vigilant not to allow myself to become overwhelmed with self-pity, sorrow or anger, all of which spiral down into depression, if I am not careful. I have to keep doing good things with my life and find ways to drown out the old voices that still try to tell me I am abandoning my children if I do anything to improve my own life. I feel like I am on a tight-rope.
Perhaps sharing my story will help others know they are not alone and we can find ways to support each other.
lisa
November 3, 2019 at 10:01 amSerenity, thanks for stopping over and reading and commenting here. Yes, your story will be a cautionary one for other women dealing in similar circumstances. First, you ex and his wife are reprehensible what they have and continue to do to the children.
I think what is confusing is why you would sign off on legal documents…did you have a lawyer to review them? Never sign legally binding documents without a lawyer’s advice.
This ” I signed away rights to any property division, spousal support or alimony, because I thought I would be returning home” Unfortunately, returning home would not have saved you either. You had signed off on your assets and child custody, alimony regardless of where you lived.
I only highlight this because it is the root of how this nightmare began.
Congratulations on getting your degree and a teaching job. That is a huge accomplishment in spite of adversity you’ve been facing. I have a couple of suggestions that may help you going forward:
1) can you get a job in the same town as where you children live?
This would cut down on your continuous travel expenses.
2) Continue to see and participate in your children’s special occasions and basic life events regardless of what their father decides to do. Your relationship with them is separate. I know it’s hard but you are not causing the problem and if he refuses to attend things when you’re there it’s really his loss. I would be surprised if the kids’ gave it much thought anymore as they must be used to it and they would prefer to have you since you are not geographically close to them.
3) can you invite your child(ren) out to visit you?
4) Are you seeing a therapist? Please talk to a professional who understands these scenarios. They can really help you see yourself in a new light and take away that ugly voice in your head that says you abandoned your children. You did no such thing.
Wishing you the best and hope that you continue to see your grown children when you want and be there for them as much as you can.
Serenity
January 5, 2020 at 5:24 pmThank you for your reply, Lisa.
Your are right. NEVER sign legally binding agreements without a lawyer’s advice. I did NOT have legal advice. I had no money and did not qualify for legal-aid since my husband split his income with me on our tax report and it appeared I had money when I really had nothing. Also, I really believed it was only a temporary separation and I was NOT seeking a divorce. I did not realize my then-husband was going to file for divorce. When he did file, I thought it was just another way he was trying to manipulate me and force me to do what he wanted. I thought if I gave him everything he wanted (sign all the legal documents) he would realize I wasn’t planning on leaving him permanently and he would drop the case. As I said, I was very naive and trusting. Then he started discussing our affairs with a divorcee at our Church and they had an affair which I may have had something to do with him to follow through with the divorce. I don’t know, he’s never discussed it with me. Their relationship did not last, though, and even after I granted him the divorce I was still very forgiving and continued to attempt reconciliation, but he refused.
I did obtain a teaching position in the location he moved to with my children and his new wife (another country), but when I applied for a work permit to enter that country the immigration officer advised me it would not be granted as I was considered a ‘high-risk’ to try to stay in the country illegally because my children now resided there. It became a vicious cycle.
Many years later, I and my wonderful, supportive, current husband were able to purchase a small vacation home in the country where my children, and now grandchildren, live and and they come to visit us when we are there. So far, this is the best solution to avoiding conflict with their father and step-mother.
Although my adult daughters seem to have found peace with the situation and we enjoy a healthy relationship with their families, the falsehood “you abandoned us” still raises its ugly head with my adult sons. I suppose this is their way of deflecting and defending any of their father’s unpleasant behavior. For now, we just keep the door open for them and enjoy their company when they feel safe to spend time with us, but I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, missing the close relationship we had when they were children and the hope I had of enjoying more time with my grandchildren.
I am not currently in therapy, although it has been extremely helpful in the past and I still use many of the tools I gained in that setting. Opening up and reaching out in this forum you provide has released some of the pressure I felt building up inside me, again. Thank you.
lisa
January 6, 2020 at 8:00 amYou’re welcome. Indeed, signing legal documents without legal advice can cost us. Believe me, I have also made this mistake—not in divorce matters but in other matters. When someone has power over you, or you blindly trust them, they can easily expect you to bend to their will and sign off on things you don’t fully understand.
I’m happy to hear that you have support and love in your life. You are making the best of your parenting time. Regarding your sons, it may be a matter of accepting the way it is…they have their reality and they are making their own choices regarding their relationship with you. If they are holding grudges it becomes THEIR issue that you can do little to fix.
However, therapy could really help you take that step to letting go of that responsibility and live with more acceptance of your relationship with your children. If it helped in the past, it will certainly help you now. It sounds like you are grieving the loss still and that’s understandable. Getting past the past…not easy…but I recommend a therapist who works in alienation and narcissism. You have been victimized and so recovering is a long process.
It sounds like you are doing really well though, Serenity. Keep that door and your heart open to your children.
Thanks for popping back to give me an update and reply. Hugs.
Heather Pistory
May 30, 2019 at 3:15 pmIt is nice to find others like me. I have 5 children they all live with their dad in Virginia. I live in Oregon that’s about 2300 miles away. I took my children for their summer visit to their dad and when I got back home I lost my job my home also I am working on disability and thought it would be in the best interest of the children to stay with their dad well I got back on my feet that has been 3 year. It has been tough as I don’t have money was ordered to pay 500 a month in child support. I have not been able to talk to send mail or any other form of communication with my children in almost 2years because of my ex’s new girlfriend. She keeps blocking any attempt I make. In 3weeks I’m going to Virginia to see if my x will let me have them for two weeks. I also have a parenting plan and other documents to file at the courts well I’m there. It start getting my rights to my children. I also am starting a group for non custodial mom’s in Portland. As it is hard to find support. Thank you for page.
lisa
June 2, 2019 at 10:52 amHi Heather, best of luck on your trip back to see your children. Good to hear you’re taking action to recover your parenting rights. Good on you for starting a support group for moms like yourself. It’s a much needed form of help. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience.
C
March 15, 2019 at 1:19 pmI lost custody of my 8 and 9 year old children when I finally screwed up the courage to leave their abusive father (mostly emotional, towards the end physical). Because I sought counseling during the marriage it was determined I had a mental health problem…he and his high priced liar cooked up a plan to kick me out of my home and take my kids. I had very little money for a lawyer. The first one I hired (traded my loom) totally dropped the ball…didn’t show up for court etc. the next guy was in way over his head.
My children are now adults. I find I’m experiencing the same exact feelings that I did while married to their father…flashbacks…projections and gas lighting galore. I have spent too much time chasing after them, “hey, here I am, your Mom! Hey! Over here…HEY?”. Too many hurtful scenarios where I am lower than low on their priority list.
Ya basta.
I am not living the rest of my years kissing up to folks who don’t grasp reciprocity as a concept and I never want to feel that sick feeling in my stomach that tells me I’m being abused *onceagain* ever again. My other life is filled with kind friends…but family just means dysfunction and pain.
So that’s how it turned out for this non-custodial mom.
lisa
June 2, 2019 at 10:55 amHi C, I’m sorry to hear of your loss. That is deep-cutting no matter the age of the children. I think you are right to take a step back and take care of yourself. Too much painful treatment is not emotionally healthy. There’s only so much you can do and the rest has to come from them. We can’t make someone have a relationship with us if they’re unwilling. I hope they see the light soon and reach out to you.
Take care.
Elizabeth Kelch
April 27, 2018 at 8:39 amI’m a non-custodial mom and I stumbled on your article today. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t thank you enough for saying this stuff out loud. Everything I read here struck a chord with me and the stigma and shame I feel is painful every day. It’s been some years since my divorce and not living with and interacting with my children every day, but I feel no less sadness about it now than I did at day one.
Where can I find more information about how I can let go of the shame and stigma I feel and you describe here.
lisa
April 27, 2018 at 10:14 pmHi Elizabeth, You’re welcome. I’m happy my words have provided some comfort for you. Indeed, being a non-custodial mom is so hard! But it doesn’t make you less of a mother. As for support, there were two comments here where women said they were helping others. I will look into that for you. Otherwise, I think an in-person support group would be great for you. Check with your doctor, community centre, therapists office etc. They often have connections for support groups. There is a support group for every situation.
JamiQuan
April 21, 2018 at 6:42 amThank you for writing this! I have experienced a similar situation and began a BLOG and Group for mothers. Lets change the landscape of motherhood together. Great article and I really appreciate the POV you have chosen to explore. Finances rather than “unfit”
lisa
April 21, 2018 at 7:11 pmYou’re welcome, Jami. Thanks for sharing your blog link and moms group. Your effort will be greatly appreciated by non-custodial moms everywhere!
Kari
April 6, 2017 at 4:29 pmI’ve been tearing myself to shreds for nearly a year because I lost custody of my kids. I lost them due to addiction, but I needed to lose what mattered to me the most in order to stop drinking. Now I’ve been sober 7 months. Court orders allow 2 supervised visits for 2 hours a week at a specific facility. That facility only does 1 monitored visit per week. I’m going to take this advice. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that I see my babies once a week, I’m going to be the awesome mom I know I am for them for those 2 hours every week. It won’t be this way forever.
lisa
April 9, 2017 at 9:06 amGood for you, Kari. Taking care of yourself makes you a better mom. You’ve taken the first steps by conquering your addiction. Thanks for sharing here. 🙂
Juphet
January 30, 2017 at 4:32 pmI agree. lawyers isn’t always the answer in fighting child support as there are other options like child support representatives.
lisa
February 2, 2017 at 7:02 pmThanks for sharing Japheth. It’s good to know these resources are out there.
Julia
January 30, 2017 at 4:48 amI run a private group for moms like myself. You do NOT need a lawyer, and there probably isn’t one that can help you. I have won on my own. I was an elementary school teacher. Now I am a law student. Law school is cheaper that the appellate specialist I would need. And I have ALWAYS won representing myself. I teach other moms to do the same.
Julia
January 30, 2017 at 4:51 amI have one mom who came to me just yesterday and told me her trial is Tuesday. She has no idea how to write a subpoena, a brief, or what an affidavit is. There are several mothers like myself, but we have to be choosy in who we help, we are running our own cases on our own. I have several support groups I can provide you with privately. But my group is for people who want there kids back, not a pity party.
lisa
January 30, 2017 at 10:59 amFeel free to leave a link in a reply so women can click over to you or if it’s private, how do they access for possible help?
I agree with you 100% on the pity party. There is no room for that when it comes to custody of our children. Taking action and standing up for ourselves and them is the only way.
lisa
January 30, 2017 at 10:57 amThat is awesome, Julia. It is kind of tricky depending on the case, I imagine but there are some basics every woman can learn. Sounds like you’ve started an important movement. Full respect to you. Thanks for sharing here.
Wendy
February 18, 2017 at 4:43 pmYou’re very inspirational! Thank you for what you’ve posted here.
lisa
April 23, 2018 at 4:16 pmThank you, Wendy!
Amanda
December 4, 2016 at 4:23 pmI lost custody February of this year after fighting for 3 years. The money just ran out… I still owe my attorney thousands, and they wouldn’t bring me to trial without zeroing my balance and paying another $5k retainer. But ironically I don’t qualify for legal aid, I’ve tried them all. Heartbreaking and devastating are under statements… Especially when your ex was abusive and you continue to live in fear for your children daily.
lisa
December 4, 2016 at 5:26 pmHi Amanda, that is devastating! Instead of legal aid you could attend the assistance centers for people who require legal help with filings or court orders. It’s not exactly legal advice but it is valuable assistance to help you continue. If the father is abusive, I don’t understand how he has attained sole custody. That sounds dangerous and like a situation you need to keep fighting to correct. Yes, lawyers will basically do zero unless you have money. That’s how the system works, unfortunately. That said, there is much you can do as self represented by seeking assistance from legal help in the courthouse. Do an internet search of your local city courthouse and you will likely find there ‘duty counsel’ lawyers available to help.
Neysha
December 6, 2016 at 4:27 pmHi! I have to share a long distance parenting with my ex having them the majority if time. I still to this day suffer not having them with me everyday and can’t believe that the system will take over my love for my children, without any negligent, abuse or any negative history. He abducted my kids because of me having a relationship and him being a possessive person. He took control using my children, not being yet divorced because he never wanted to give me the divorce. My life is impossible as me being the co parent.
lisa
December 7, 2016 at 11:02 amHi neysha, well I hope you have reported the abduction to the authorities in both cities (countries?). You still see your children through co-parenting it sounds like so try to make the best of that. Sounds like you could use some legal advice from a professional. Try to talk to a lawyer about your situation and see what your rights/options are.
DLaughlin
September 29, 2016 at 3:46 pmOriginally, I agreed to a 50/50 custody arrangement with my ex husband, but he took me to court and it has been about 18 months since hehas gained domicile custody of our children, he still lived in our shared home and in a better school district so the judge (of course court was in the parish where he resided also) gave us shared custody with him being domicile. It didn’t seem to matter that up until the point of divorce, I had been the primary caregiver to the children. but I only get the kids every other weekend during the school year and a week to week schedule in the summer. I have never had any drug or alcohol problems or any abuse or neglect involved in our situation. I know deep in my heart that my kids belong with me and my ex husband is so nasty to me. I’m lucky if they call me once a week when theyre with their father (or his girlfriend mostly) and everyone at the school treats me differently. Its killing me. If I call to speak to them it goes unanswered and I usualy get nasty text messages back. I try to be as involved as I can in their extracurricular activities, but I have a job and the custody arrangement is scheduled around his work schedule and not mine. I try to numb myself to how I feel, but my kids are young and I feel like I lose them over again every other Sunday. I worry all the time and I cant check to be sure they’ve gotten on the bus safely, or that they’ve had enough water after a long day outside, I just feel like I’m not a mom anymore and the time I get with my kids is just not enough. I’m so angry and sad and torn and I don’t know how to move on and be happy. I don’t think I can every be happy. I cant afford therapy, I cant take drugs to numb the pain, I am stuck and I don’t know what to do and I was just hoping that there is some other moms out there who can relate, who have been here before, who know that it gets better. I need someone to tell me it gets better. I miss them and it hurts so much. I lost a child to SIDS years ago and this feeling, this long term pain, its comparable to that pain. I feel like Ive lost everything. I need my kids and as horrible as my marriage was, as much as my ex husband disgusts me I would have stayed if it meant not losing them.
lisa
December 4, 2016 at 5:20 pmHi Danae, my apologies for replying so late to your comment. I thought I had responded but I don’t see it. Perhaps my mobile device failed me. First thing I think would help you is a support group specifically for non-custodial mothers in your community (in person). I prefer an in person group rather than a facebook group for many reasons. You need some support from other mothers going through this and someone who is locally close to you. Facebook isn’t as confidential as it appears to be and it’s better to share experiences in person with a group for that reason. Currently, your only choice is to make the best of the limited time you have with your children. In the near future you could possibly try for a variation in the custody order to attain more time with them. Does that mean living closer to them? I’m not sure but it sounds like the judge favored the father for jurisdictional reasons (he was close to their school). Maybe get some close friends and professionals (pediatrician or family doctor) to write a letter on your behalf, stating your good qualities as a mother. You say everyone at school is treating you differently…try to get to the bottom of that. Instead of withdrawing into isolation—start talking. Talk to school moms, the teachers, set up an appointment with the school principal to discuss your concerns with the change in custody. Don’t give up. I know you’re in pain but you need to focus on what you have and not on what you’ve lost. It will get better! Stay strong.
Becky
August 28, 2016 at 11:39 amI thought I was alone in this non custodial mom world. If only I could have stayd positive when I lost custody instead of thinking my world was over. I have been my own advocate but not sure I can be in court
lisa
August 30, 2016 at 4:29 pmhi Becky, it feels like your world is over because the one you’ve always known has changed. It feels unnatural to not have custody of your babies. Sounds like you’re staying strong.
Cindy
August 17, 2016 at 7:08 amFor the last 11 years since she was born I’ve raised my baby girl and now we are separated by 1900 miles! My 15 year old is sick and needed care in California and I was forced to leave my youngest in Texas with her dad. I couldn’t afford the court battle but other than that didn’t do anything to have her taken from my physical custody. He doesn’t keep me from talking to her at this point but this is all just happening. His wife makes remarks though about time will pass and she will get over it and we will barely talk. Wth is that supposed to mean!! I’m her mom. . I cry every day all day and I don’t know how to make it without my baby girl. She wants to be with me and I want her here. It’s not right that money can control the lives of the innocent! I miss her so much.
lisa
December 4, 2016 at 5:29 pmIt sounds like you had to make a tough choice, Cindy. Can you travel to TX to visit your daughter on a regular basis? Try to maintain contact with her regularly. Is your move short term or do you need to stay in CA for long term? Maybe you can fly your daughter out to CA for holidays or school breaks.
Wendy
February 18, 2017 at 4:37 pmGod bless you. Your heart is pouring out in every word here. Know this….she is YOUR baby. The fluttering in your belly when she was forming, the hiccups and kicks you felt beneath your own heart. From the moment you knew she was with you, she became a part of you. THAT no court order, no distance, no person can take from you. You can file a Motion for Modification of Child Custody. The judge in chambers will ask your baby why she wants to live with you. It isn’t guaranteed, but it is heard. And if she seeks this change with an ability to express herself with maturity and understanding you may be reunited. Yes, her father can contest. Just give it a shot…You are stronger than you think! You’re incredible. And she will be with you at some point. This does end. And it will be ok.
Marie
May 9, 2016 at 5:38 amWhen times get tough I remember how blessed I am to have my kid living with me. It would break my heart if my ex would win it at some stage. It’s so terrible for mothers in this situation, but I have to agree your advices are top ones Lisa. Thank you for being there and helping each one fo us, dealing with divorce and all that is going on with this long and tiring process.
lisa
May 9, 2016 at 6:05 pmHi Marie, that would be devastating! I hope my tips are of some help to those moms going through it. Thanks for stopping by, Marie 🙂
Charlotte Klein
May 6, 2016 at 1:06 pmI always love what I read here, Lisa… And how you cover so many angles I never would have even thought about when it comes to divorce. I honestly can’t even begin to imagine the pain of having to undergo a long and hard custody battle in the court system but I’ve seen it play out with friends over and over again and the amount of $$ spent on legal fees is just sickening. Because every parent (mom AND dad) would much rather that money go to the children in the end.
Thank you so much for providing these unbelievable resources and all of this advice to those who need it most <3
lisa
May 8, 2016 at 10:57 amThank you, Charlotte. I can’t think of anything more painful in a divorce than custody battles. Yes, the $$ lost is irreplaceable. The expense is a terrible burden for any parent. That’s exactly true that when we think of the money spent on a court battle, we can equate it with what is lost to the children. That’s a logic that some divorcing couples can’t grasp until it’s too late. Thanks for sharing, Charlotte. I always appreciate your point of view 🙂
My Inner Chick
May 1, 2016 at 7:04 amThank you for being a VOICE & Educator
for children, parents, and your readers, Lisa.
It is appreciated. xxx
lisa
May 1, 2016 at 9:43 amThank you, Kim! I hope my words are helping in some small way. Thanks for sharing. xxx
Mabel Kwong
April 29, 2016 at 5:44 amThis is a great self-motivating piece for moms everywhere, Lisa. It is odd how society looks down so much more on women who lose custody of their child than men. It is certainly discouraging how the legal system does not give everyone a voice, especially if they aren’t able to present a fat wallet.
I like the Take Back Control point a lot. Staying positive and doing things that give us a sense of purpose ultimately will give us a sense of direction – and that will probably reflect well in kids’ eyes and overall it would be a better environment for everyone 🙂
lisa
April 30, 2016 at 6:47 pmHi Mabel, yes those are two very big biases. I guess we expect women to have custody and if they don’t there is automatically something wrong with them. The legal system is not a friendly place for child custody disputes. It’s so true that if we can stay positive and take some control, our kids will see that. Thanks, Mabel for your thoughtful comment!
kimbacaffeinate
April 26, 2016 at 9:12 amAs the mother of three (now adults) I could not fathom having this happen. My heart goes out to these women and the children.
lisa
April 26, 2016 at 9:39 amHi Kim, Exactly. I think as mothers we are not biologically equipped to give up our children. I’m not saying that men are but there is a difference. Men are not programmed the way we are. I say that carefully because there are many men in pain from losing their children as well. Thanks, Kim for sharing your thoughts here on the subject!
bellaschronicles
April 26, 2016 at 7:06 amDevastating is an understatement. I have lived this for about 8 years now. When dealing with a parent with a personality disorder, it is a whole new ball game. A sociopath will not stop at anything, and has the evil nature to keep going and torturing the other parent until the target parent is destroyed. One Mom’s Battle has many nc moms and there are great sites for educating yourself like Do It Yourself Family Law (started by a mom who lost her kids and went to school to become an attorney.) In almost all instances, the parent setting out to destroy the other is very abusive (but not always physically) which coupled with vexatious litigation can lead to ptsd and a multitude of other health problems. We need to scream from the rooftops of the injustices. We need to bring to light what the broken system does to moms and children.
lisa
April 26, 2016 at 9:36 amYes. Agreed! I’m so sorry that you have gone through this, Bella! Add a personality disorder to the mix and you’re in for one hell of a ride. It’s for all the WRONG reasons, too. No parent should lose their children unless there is risk of harm through abuse, addiction or neglect (which I guess goes under abuse). Kids always come first but these sociopath types make it all about them.
Please feel free to share the link for the Do It Yourself Family Law that this woman started!
Tina of One Mom’s Battle is an amazing advocate. Thanks for mentioning her. She had an epic battle and WON. Her second book is out now as well. So, for anyone looking for inspiration to keep active in getting their children back, they should definitely read Tina’s books. “One Mom’s Battle” .
Agree. The system is broken. The system is not designed to award what is best for children. It is based on black and white rules of law not emotions. Thanks, bella for sharing here. Stay in touch.
Kerry
November 21, 2016 at 7:43 amI have endured much similar from my vicious x. It’s been a painful battle
Jane thrive
April 25, 2016 at 1:10 pmMy heart hurts for the moms out there that this has happened to. From one of my forums, though, I know of one mom who lost custody of her kids, went back to school, and kept trying. Kept showing up. Had to face the haters and the judgers, but she did NOT give up. ANd now? She filed and has joint custody. In fact, I think there’s movement to give her sole because her ex was and still is a manipulative abuser, and the kids best interests were at jeopardy. Luckily she had a great guardian ad litem and therapist for the kids…it was a marathon, and she struggled for YEARS. But in the end, she got the outcome that was needed for the kids.
My heart still is recoviering from our “custody battle”–I still worry for the kids. On paper it says I have full custody, joint legal, but what does that really mean? So I do a lot of #3–can’t control what he does, have to do what I can at my house to support my girls–to grow into their voices, to differentiate between their feelings and his feelings, to know its okay to have their independent thoughts and feelings. <3. I hope it's enough…
lisa
April 26, 2016 at 9:29 amHi Jane, That’s an amazing story of perseverance. Very inspiring. I think it’s important to be there for whatever happens. Even when it feels as though you’re being shut out. My #1 advice is ‘don’t give up’.
That must have been so tough for you, jane! especially with the abusive nature of your ex. I suppose that’s why you were awarded full custody. Joint legal? I believe that refers to the fact that dad has a say in big things like education, religion, moving out of State. Those things have to be jointly decided. Your blog should be read by anyone struggling with joint parenting. You do hold up a high standard, Jane. You are doing everything right and YES, it’s ENOUGH. Thanks for sharing your experience here!
Kimberly
April 25, 2016 at 5:18 amThis is such a tricky situation…
We know of a dad who needs to have his child under his care and can’t because the courts favour the mom — who is a hot mess.
It’s the children who should ALWAYS come first.
lisa
April 26, 2016 at 9:24 amHi Kim, Absolutely! The children needs are the first concern. It should be 50/50 parenting in most cases. I hope it works out for your friend. 🙁
Liv
April 23, 2016 at 6:26 pmI feel lucky not to have faced this – because if my ex had the money, this would have been a real possibility. I can’t imagine a situation where I was only able to see my child a few days a month. Even fifty percent was hard for me to swallow. I’m glad there are resources and help out there – and that you’re putting yourself out there to help.
lisa
April 23, 2016 at 9:56 pmMe, too Liv. It’s such a heartbreaking experience for anyone. 50% was a tough adjustment for sure. Well, I hope I’m helping a tiny bit. It’s such an overwhelming problem for any mother going through it. Thanks for sharing, Liv :0