5 Tips For Handling The Divorce Bully

5 tips to handle the divorce bullyWe hear about bullies on the playground.  We worry our child will get bullied at school or even worse, we worry our child will be the bully. But bullying is something that goes on throughout our lives. It doesn’t end on the playground.  We can experience it in the workplace, in a relationship, in a friendship and most likely in a divorce.  Yes, there are such things as divorce bullies.

What is a Divorce Bully?

You’ll know when you’re being bullied by your ex.  It may be as subtle as fabricating or embellishing stories about you or it may be as obvious as making threats. A bully finds out your weaknesses or fears and plays on them.  Who knows you better than an ex spouse? Typically, bullies prey on the weakest one or the soft hearted. Their aim is to bully you out of your fair share in the marital asset division. Their aim may be strictly avenging the hurt you’ve caused them through rejection. Their aim may go beyond the assets. They may attempt to take away the ones you love. It’s more drastic than what goes on at the playground. There’s more to lose.  Sometimes the bully ex will hire a ‘bully lawyer’ to intimidate you.

5 tips to handle the divorcve bully

5 Tips For Handling The Divorce Bully;

  1.  Show your strength-you have everything to lose by remaining passive so, stand up to the bully and show them you’re not ‘taking their crap’.
  2. Use the bullies own tactics against them-notice how and what they’re doing to get you scared and strategically use some of these tactics in reverse. It might sound counter intuitive but it will only take one or two times and BAM, the bully thinks twice before attacking you again.
  3. Know when to ignore the bully-some of the things a bully does do not deserve a reaction.  Evaluate what is at stake and ask yourself  will matter in a year from now?…pick your battles wisely
  4. The bully is an insecure person-Inside that mouthy, sometimes large person is a small child unsure of themselves. Remember this and you won’t see them as ‘scary’ or intimidating.
  5. Focus on Love instead of fear-focus on love in your life when you are fearful of the bully.  Your reactions will improve and your judgment and perspective will remain healthy. Switch on the love light and watch the fear dissipate.
  6. BONUS TIP; always keep a record of the bully’s threats or disturbing behaviors in case of having to make a police report or for court documents and ultimately for your safety.

It goes against our nature to stand up and bully back especially if we are the soft hearted and sensitive type of person.  However, the sooner we learn to stand up for ourselves the sooner the bully will go away.  Sometimes that means giving back some of what they dish out.  If that’s the position you need to take it’s probably for a good reason.  Either you are protecting your assets, your children or your own personal safety.  These are all important reasons to stand up to the divorce bully.

5 tips to handle the divorce bully

When you stand up for yourself, he’ll back down.

Have you been bullied in the workplace, your divorce or in any relationship? Share your tips or thoughts.

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69 Replies to “5 Tips For Handling The Divorce Bully”

  1. Great post, Lisa!

    With a particular bully that I know, he was a ‘secret’ bully, only doing things to his family behind closed doors. whispered threats to his brother. nastiness to us.

    I found the best way to deal with him was to disengage. The less I reacted, the less i engaged in responding to the long, single-spaced emails of crazy, the less it upset me. In our case, we have therapists involved for the sake of the children, so that’s good to have other eyes watching, so to speak. I know that doesn’t work for everyone though.

    I definitely agree that setting and maintaining firm boundaries is the best way to deal with bullies. Hugs to you!

    1. Hi Jane, well isn’t that typical of the bully to put on a different face in public? Sounds like you have your bully under control. You make a great point about not reacting. Sometimes that works well and besides that is the one thing we can control–our reactions. Thanks for sharing, Jane!

  2. during my divorce my ex harassed/bullied me.

    there was 2am and later phone calls fresh off the barstool. belligerent filthy name calling. threats about everything and nothing.
    i refused to engage in any of it.
    but i had enough.
    my attorney wanted to file a personal protection order.

    up until that point i had tried to do EVERYTHING above board and just avoid him, not answer calls. he wanted my attention even if it was for his negative attention.
    this guy couldn’t get out of his own way.

    i really did not want to make things uglier with a P.P.O but i got so tired of the harassment i was about to break.
    so as a last ditch effort i told him a close friend had just started to date a state police officer and had been into my office and the cop talked to me.
    i told the ex that my friend had shared with her new boyfriend about my divorce and that my ex had been harassing me and wanted to know where my ex worked, hung out, favorite bars, make/model of vehicle, plate number, etc.

    just like that it worked!!!! he backed right off! i hardly heard a word out of him after that for the rest of the divorce. which was messy and long but the harassment stopped just like that.

    btw, my friend was actually dating a city police officer for a month, not a state cop and i had never actually met the guy.

    1. That’s a great story, Tracie and brings home the point about the bully really being scared deep down. A little intimidation works. I’m sorry you had to deal with that but it is more common than we realize, usually when the woman decides to end it. If it’s their decision, they act different.Thanks for sharing here!

        1. That’s a tough one, CeeCee. We don’t usually involve cops in this kind of stuff so I’m sure some of these tactics would still work, depending on his personality and how extreme he is.

  3. Very timely, as always! New Year’s Day message from my ex was that he wants to get an agreement done this year to put the hardest year of his life behind him. I made mention that it was a hard year for everyone, and that I was definitely interested in getting an agreement and moving forward.

    Move to Jan 2nd and talk about how he can’t afford anything for himself or the kids (but suddenly has 16 tattoos on his body? Not inexpensive self-artwork people!), bought himself a dirt bike, and is now traveling down south and planning to buy a house with what money he has.

    In the meantime, I’ve paid for everything for our daughter’s school, recreational sports and gym memberships for both kids, clothing for both kids, medical and dental expenses for both kids, cell phones, car insurances, education funds for both kids, etc. I also paid off all the debt myself from the sale of the home, because I wasn’t up for a fight to get him to take his share, as he was threatening to not release the funds from the sale of the house, leaving me beyond broke. So I don’t have enough for a down payment on a home anymore because I’ve been the one financially responsible for taking care of the outstanding debts plus paying everything to-date.

    In any event, I’ve told him to get me the name of the mediator he finds and I’ll compile everything on my side, debts, savings, etc as of the date we separated and recommended he do the same. His comment? “You took your debt and only wanted half the house sales and nothing from my RRSPs. You make more than me.”

    So there you have it…silence since the 2nd when I said I was compiling all the ‘debts’ and ‘savings’ and he can have his share. 🙂 I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! Booyah Bully, in yo’ face!

    1. OMG, Michelle! You’ve been doing everything right but ending up with the short end of the stick. After meeting with the mediator you really should get a legal opinion before signing any agreement. Especially since you’ve been paying all the debt and the childrens’ expenses. That may get remedied in an agreement. Glad you’re not afraid anymore! Go, Michelle!

  4. Dear Lisa. I will take this with me wherever I go in my travels – there are so many out there who have met the same trait.

  5. Hi Lisa,

    This is a very insightful and helpful article for all those who are vulnerable. Thanks for sharing all those very effective tips. I hope they reach all those who feel weak.

    I have faced a lot of bullying as a child and growing up with a BIG brother who makes you dance to his tunes leaves a deep scar on your psyche. NOT ME! I told myself. I emerged a very strong personality. I could handle a lot of people quite well as I had learnt that early in my life and whenever somebody tried all those tactics of bullying, I knew it before they could affect me.

    Thanks Lisa, for another wonderful post!

    1. It’s an abuse of power I think. Good for you Balroop in overcoming the bully! You’re a powerful writer and that’s something no one can take away. Thans for sharing here because your story will inspire others. 🙂

  6. I have a friend who has a really tough ex-husband. She is a blogger too so I wonder if you two “know” each other. Her blog is Live By Surprise. I’m going to send her this way, if not!

  7. Hi Lisa,

    First off, this is such a great post. I’ve seen how ugly divorces can get and it’s very easy for the bully to come out in each partner. I think it would be hard for someone who got blind-sided by the idea of divorce to fall into being bullied, especially if they were devastated to begin with. Truly very sad. I’m definitely passing this along as it may help some who are going through divorce.

    B

    1. Thanks, Bren! I think the bully comes out depending on personality types. Also, during the marriage what your spouse was like will be intensified. So, if they were a control freak, that usually continues during the divorce. Thanks for your input and for sharing with your friends 🙂

  8. In the process of not ‘biting’ when my ex threw out his comments about an agreement and trying to scare me into submission (ie he’s going to leave me with nothing and he’s going to get some form of support payments from me now), he’s graduated to bullying our daughter now it seems.

    Sigh…narcisstic bullies are also morons I’ve decided. Luckily my daughter is strong, and she’s not biting either. Now he’s got nobody to fight with but dead air from us choosing to not answer his texts until he dials it back, calms down, and stops being a complete bully.

    1. Sounds like the right reaction is ‘no reaction’, Michelle. Good work! Hopefully he will take it down a notch and start looking at the big picture and what is best for your daughter.

  9. I hate bullying. It doesn’t matter if it’s at work, school, home or through divorce…I hate it! Especially when kids bully other kids. I wish we wouldn’t do it but I guess that’s how we are. Isn’t that sad?

    I love your tips! I’ll use those for any bullies I encounter. BULLIES BEWARE! 😉

    1. I know, Chrys. I guess it’s the animal in our human nature (think Lord of The Flies). That’s why I think it’s important to speak up when we see it happening too. Even if it isn’t happening to us, we can call someone on their behavior instead of nodding and agreeing with the bully. Ha! I love that: “Bullies Beware!”

  10. Ugh, god… I hate this so much (bullies, I loved the post!). As someone who has been bullied (and stood up when people bullied my brother), there is really nothing worse than this kind of behavior. And sadly, I’ve seen this happen to many friends going through divorce. It brings out the ugly/worst in people. Such wonderful advice here, and as terrible as this must have been to write/think back on, I think it’s so useful for anyone experiencing this personally.

    XOXO and all the best for a wonderful weekend, my sweet.

    1. It took courage for you to stand up for your brother. I love that you could do that, Charlotte. My next biggest pet peeve from a bully are people who let them get away with it. Yes, divorce brings out the worst in us all, unfortunately. I hope this post helps people who are being bullied. Thanks, Charlotte!

  11. First of all I want to thank you for this wonderful blog. And secondly, one should never allow others to bully you. Always raise your voice whenever you see someone bullying anyone whether it is an animal. No one should be bullied.

  12. You are exactly right! Most bullies don’t expect people to stand up to them, and it usually makes them more angry, but you’re right. Most of the time they back down. I was bullied for years in my first marriage, nothing was EVER good enough, and all bad things were MY FAULT. He lived to make me miserable, and make me depend on him. When I signed up for school, he was livid. When I got better jobs, he was furious. When he hired an unbelievably expensive divorce lawyer, paid for by his billionaire boss, I didn’t care. I told the judge and everyone in the courtroom I don’t need him to take care of me. If he would help support his son, that would be grand, but I would rather make it on my own than rely on him for anything.
    His lawyer literally told me that he respects me. I got a pittance of child support, and barely any help from him, but my son & I made it. He graduated high school last year and he’s a good person. I rocked single motherhood and it felt amazing not having to fight with someone every single day about everything. Being alone is SO MUCH BETTER than being in the wrong relationship.
    Good for you for being strong!!!

    1. Wow! Joy, that is an amazing story! It’s too bad he wasn’t ordered to pay proper child support though as that would be the least he could do. Kudos to you for doing it ALL. Respect!Being alone is better than being in the wrong relationship—yes indeed.

  13. Hi Lisa,

    Let me start by wishing you a very Happy New Year – my first visit after a little break on my blog, to your blog 🙂

    Yes, bullying can play on your weaknesses and fears – they know just the way to get to the soft hearted or the weak ones. We had a few at school, and your tips are all spot on.

    Thanks for sharing them with us. Have a nice week ahead 🙂

    1. Welcome back, Harleena! Hope you had a restful break 🙂 We can rise above our weakness and show strength 🙂 Thanks for stopping over!

  14. Hi lisa,
    This is my first visit on your site after long break and lets start with Wish u Very Happy New Year 2015.
    Thanks for sharing the valuable post.
    Please keep posting such useful post.

  15. Men can be bullied also , why cant the court system see thru the bully and just split fairly ? why does the court system allow the woman to use the child as a weapon for torture . then blame the man for everything . what happened to it takes two ? I know this happens to women alot but happens to men alot especially the ones who care and get sucked into the woman’s games ?

    I spent over $120 k on lawyers fees and lost all my assets over a period of 3 years divorce Plus $3,000 a month temporary child support I was in charge of all the up keep of properties and paying taxes, I was worth over $500 K facing BK . The Lawyers made bank , The states should put a stop to this a $5,000 limit on Lawyers fees in a divorce ,I bet every case gets solved upon $5,000 spent .

    1. I’m sorry you’ve been through so much, Bill. The lawyer fees add up fast and if a couple can’t settle issues, it gets out of hand quickly. One thing is she has likely also paid just as much. However, that’s small comfort I’m sure. Too bad it wasn’t so simple for the courts to ‘see’ the bully. It’s very convoluted and much ‘he said’, ‘she said’ makes it pretty muddy. I hope this article helped you look at your situation and see where you can make some changes to improve your health. No one should ever use their child as a weapon. Ever! That is child abuse. All the best to you, Bill. thanks for reaching out here.

  16. Thanks for this.,I’m at the beginning of this battle. Married to a manipulative narcissist for fifteen years. Now separated two years and filing for divorce etc and division of assets. What was up until recently a fairly amicable situation has degraded to him threatening me. He’s started seeing a woman about two months ago which I’ve been in support of. Truly in support of as I’m dating too and feel it’s healthy. Now she has weighed in on our divorce and I’m being threatened with having neighbours turned against me if I move into certain neighbourhoods with our kids and told he will block division of assets if any home I propose to buy is within a certain vicinity of he or she although this is nigh on impossible as she lives in one area of town and he the other side of town and very little in between and none of it near my kids school or friends. Final straw was a text he accidentally sent me meant for her where they make fun of me and ridicule me for being kind to him, calling him Hun and making him a bacon sandwich the other day when he collected kids early one morning. I feel humiliated and destroyed at their callous disregard of anything other than themselves and their own comforts. Ive refused to engage in a teenage melodrama of their creating and have simply sought the services of an attorney where previous to this my ex and I were dividing everything amicably and intending to use a simple mediation service to save money and drama.

    1. Hi Laura, Your ex sounds like he went sideways with this new relationship. Personally, I wouldn’t want to set up home close to hers so maybe best to stay further away. I realize you have to think of the kids when you choose where to live as you are rightfully doing. One of the secrets of getting through these situations is not giving up your power. I think it’s a good thing you have a lawyer now. Even if things are amicable, it’s a good idea to have a legal back up to check agreements and make them binding to the courts. You shouldn’t feel humiliated by these immature remarks. You are the decent person here. Keep any texts and emails in a file in case you need them in the future. I know it’s a hard position to be in. Stay strong, Laura. Thanks for stopping over and sharing and I hope this article gave you some ideas to handle your ex’s new bullying attitude. 🙂

  17. Although this article sounds encouraging, i found myself in a worse situation because i didnt stay silent. You may want to think twice. Im in NC and my abusive, alcoholic husband threatened to “take me to hell with him”, took his rifle out. When I locked him out he did $700+ damages to the house we rent trying to get to me. Mainly because i had a child at home with me I called 911. Thats when everything got so much worse. Even though I have pictures of damage, audio recording and some bruises, i have been threated as the criminal by the legal system. I was told i didnt let him “hurt me enough physically” to provide gory photos and the courts wont do anything. He took the $ out of the account so i couldnt feed my son, pay bills or even stay at our home (where i had to come up with rent) because of fear of his outrageous anger and temper tantrum outbursts. Since i tried to keep my us safe and do things by the book, Im now struggling to take care of us while he is out blowing money on mudd tires, strip clubs and has no worries (not even with donestic or crimibal court). How does that happen? Even though being cold hearted is not my nature, i wish i had stashed $ and just took my son and left him with no warning. Think long and hard before doing things through law enforcement and the court system …. Ive found they are NOT a friend of the victim. Very sad but very true. No man should be allowed to threat a woman like Ive been threated and then receive no punishment from the system that encourages women to “say no to donestic violence”.

    1. Hi Cindy, I’m so sorry you went through this. You’ve been victimized twice, once by your husband and then again by the courts. That is so wrong and I can understand how powerless you must feel.

      You need a lawyer ASAP. Get one through legal aid and start the process to get child support and alimony. There is no reason you should be starving while your husband earns and spends all the money. I’m assuming you live separate from your husband now when you mention ‘rent’ so that means he must assist you and your son’s living expenses. He won’t do it without a court order and therefore you need a lawyer to get that Order done!

      Even if the criminal charges didn’t stick and it’s ludicrous that they told you you didn’t let him beat you ‘enough’, at least you filed a report. Without a report or incident filed, there is no record of his abuse and you would be worse off. So, at least you accomplished that much.

      You don’t know how much worse it would have gotten if you had NOT called 911. That was the right thing to do for both your son and YOU.

      I just want to mention as well, you may very well have suffered eventually without ‘saying anything’ or ‘standing up’ to the bully. They don’t need a reason to do what they do. So, staying silent does NOT protect you. You did the right thing standing up for yourself.

      I want to say one last thing. This article was written for women who have recently left their marriage and enduring more subtle tactics. This is not a how to for women who are IN an abusive marriage right now and wanting to get out. That is a whole different ball of wax and requires assistance from family, or a shelter for protection, not to mention careful planning. As you said, Cindy a woman must “think long and hard before doing anything with the court system or law enforcement.” I’d like to add that she should make a careful plan before leaving and I agree with you that she should do it without warning in this kind of situation.

      Wishing you all the best, Cindy. Thank you for sharing your story here. Your voice is important and will help other women in similar circumstances who drop by here and read it.

  18. I have just started the property settlement side of things. I was controlled throughout the marriage, I struggle to see how I even survived on no or little rashen of money from him, and 3 boys under 4 years old. When I finally left, I had nothing but I have blossomed, I bought a house and made something of myself from nothing. I am a working single mother and now a proud home owner and while he has danced around the whole child support and not really caring about the kids, I HAVE CARED, and I have succeeded in everyway he said I would never be able to without him. Well, what has me feeling bullied at the moment is he thinks I am now entitled to nothing, he has not recognised my worth or the personal loans I got during the marriage to survive or assist with renovations because he wouldn’t help anyone but himself. He is now trying to get his grubby hands in this settlement on my home I purchased POST SEPARATION with my parents Guarantor and 100% Loan purchase – nothing involving him. This is wasting money and my Lawyer is aware of his behaviour, but this is costing me money the back and forth is exhausting. He claims he wants amicable, but this is painful. He was abusive mentally and physically during the marriage with an AVO issued from him beating me infront of the kids. I just know his behaviour is if he can’t get to me with his hands, he will with attacking my mind. I need reassurance……..

    1. That’s exactly right, Mellissa “if he can’t get to me with his hands, he will with attacking my mind.” Remember that and try not to let him get to you. You have a lawyer and that protects you legally (although I always recommend doing a little of your own research just to be sure you’re covered). It doesn’t sound like he could claim half of your home. If he somehow succeeded in that he would own half the debt, not sure why he would want that. Sounds like he is only trying to harass you. Stay strong. You’ve come a long way and you will continue to without him. He’ll give up his games soon. Stay in touch.

  19. I’m going through this right now.

    Narcisistic Ex is trying to withhold money that he owes me and putting major delay tactics in place to do so.

    For example, he says he hasn’t had enough time to look at the documentation (he has).

    He initially didn’t even acknowledge the emails I politely sent documenting all details of the debt, until I finally got his sister involved.

    (She said it was rude of him but then quickly started backing him up. Luckily I think her influence did cause him to send half the money at least).

    Now I have contacted the father (he has the power in the family) to inform him of what is going on and politely ask for his help in getting the other half of the money back and getting this resolved peacefully and quickly.

    I am being assertive but polite and making sure I don’t break any laws (I haven’t threatened to keep his things that are at my place for example because legally that is not allowed.)

    However I have suggested two dates for pick-up one week after he wanted to come get everything. On the date he wanted everything it is the day before he is starting a new job, so he will not have a suit for his first day of work. I feel that put some pressure on, without doing anything illegal at all.)

    On Monday I’m going to a lawyer to make sure I do absolutely everything to the letter so I don’t jeopardize any case I might have to file against him.

    The hardest part about all this is that whenever I have to take a step to stand up to him, it sends enormous anxiety through my whole body for hours. When I see a reply from them the same thing happens. Standing up to him is taking an enormous toll on my mental health. I’m reaching out to friends for support, but I am finding the act of standing up (instead of getting rolled over) extremely tough.

    I would love to see an article that addresses this aspect of things. I think I learned (incorrectly) as a child that standing up to a bully or my parent (mom was/is a narcissist) or anyone was ‘bad’ and so each time i do it now as an adult it is making me feel like a horrible nasty person. (Even though I have been nothing but polite.)

    I don’t know how this will turn out but i recommend for anyone going through it, keep all your actions and emails completely legal and proper. Don’t ever use a threat. Don’t ever namecall. It will hurt you later.

    Thanks and good luck everyone 🙂 🙂 It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    1. Hi Linda, it sounds like you’re doing everything right. Good for you. Keep at it. One day at a time. It’s interesting your feelings about being a bad person for standing up for yourself. I’m glad you brought that up because I think it is a common feeling people have. As you say, if you’ve been raised to speak only when you’re spoken to, for example, it can feel foreign to make a fuss about things. Don’t give up. You’re not a bad person. Far from it. Let that pattern of thought go.

      Thanks for adding your valuable tips as well. Much appreciated!

    2. Trust me, you are not alone, I can’t believe how exact our situations and experiences are. Hope to hear how things are turning out, and may God Bless you Linda 🙂

  20. Hi Lisa, I wonder if you can help me, my GF is been separated for almost two years, yet she’s been bullied by her ex throughout her marriage (15 years) and he still does it, she’s been asking me to be patient and supportive of her dealings with him, but he brings her to tears every time, and she always gives in on his requests.
    I have ask her on several occasions to let me deal with the situation, since it has a negative effect on our relationship, I come to believe it’s my problem too, yet she doesn’t allow me to interviene and put and end to this, since I know he won’t bully me around as he does her.
    Am I doing the right thing by trying to interviene? Or should I just let her take it and deal with it as poorly as she’s been doing and only offer my support afterwards, as she asked me to?
    Thanks for your time.

    1. Hi G.A., your question is a good one. It is really hard to watch someone you love be hurt repeatedly by the same person…frustrating! But I think your GF is right in attempting to keep you out of it. I’ll tell you why and I have firsthand experience with this, it only exasperates the ex and can infect the situation further.

      Still, I think there are certain circumstances that may call for interference. If he is threatening her in any way either physically or even emotional blackmail, this may require your involvement as far as letting him know you’re not tolerating and may even report incidents. That’s a fairly extreme example but not uncommon in divorce. Try to stay cool and give her what she needs which is emotional support. Try not to react in anger because she will undoubtedly take it personally and feel you are angry at her. She can only control her own action/reaction and not her ex’s so I’m sure she’s doing the best she can.

      Have faith in her, sit back and show her your support and love. Keep a watchful eye out though. I hope that helps give you some perspective.

  21. Hello,

    I consider myself a victim of divorce bullying. My ex-husband left me with 3 kids,later fought me for custody and won with 50/50 custody and the kids are shlepped between 2 houses. He is manipulative, has remarried and even introduced the children to his GF staying in his house before we were divorced. He does what he wants and has stolen, lied and cheated. Is is forever angry with me b/c he has to give me Child support and alimony. Harasses me about money and refuses to split bills in half besides child s and alimony. He makes 20 x more than I do…. He is threatening, abusive and controlling. We’ve been separated for 3 years, divorced for 1.5 and he he mean and criticizes me when he is angry which is all the time. He gets under my skin and scares me. He threatens and knows my kids are my life and uses them hypocritically. How do i make his abuse, anger and bullying not get into my skin. I’ve had anxiety attacks and panic attacks b’c of him . I do have an attorney which is supposed to be great but I still think court ruling was unfair. The kids have suffered so much and he has caused so much damage with his passive agressive behavior.

  22. Hi Lisa,
    I enjoyed your article BUT am at a loss for what to do about my husbands lawyer? She is SO nasty, one would think she’s having an affair with him! It must be against the law to send demeaning, belittling and condescending emails to your clients wife? HOW do I stop this type of bully??

    Marie

    1. Hi Marie, You could have your lawyer email her with the request. If you are self representing, ask her yourself as well as look into the regulations at the law association. I’m sure it is unethical of her and you can report it if she doesn’t stop. Good luck, Marie.

      1. Lisa – Are you represented by an attorney? Your husband’s attorney is not allowed to contact you directly if you are represented. If you are not represented you can put parameters around how she can contact you. First, be sure to always create a paper trail. Explain, in writing, why you are setting the parameters, and what the consequence will be if she doesn’t follow them. (Ex, you may contact me by written correspondence in the mail, or by phone, but all calls will be recorded. If you contact me in any other way, I will not be able to respond. My goal in this is to ensure there is a clear record of all contact, and also to ensure civil discourse. I appreciate your cooperation in this matter.) You could also bring up this matter in court, or request a hearing on the matter, in which you ask for a court order defining how the communication will happen. Be sure to communicate you are not trying to make things difficult, and that you are not trying to increase costs, but simply that this attorney is attempting to intimidate you. Your state might also have ethics guidelines on attorney professionalism, which outlines how attorneys should behave with unrepresented people, and with other attorneys. Just some suggestions to help you set some boundaries with this attorney.

        1. Hi Lucinda, My legal proceedings were completed several years ago. Your tips are awesome though for anyone who is self representing. my readers will benefit from your wisdom. 😊 Thanks for sharing.

  23. I wish I would have come across this post earlier! After receiving numerous verbal threats from my ex and text messages stating he is walking around our joint residence with a gun and will do so until I sign his attorneys divorce decree I finally signed over all assets to him. The only things I requested were my children be covered under his employers health insurance policy and that I would be awarded their therapeutic items, neither of which he followed through with. Now he has served me with paperwork to modify the parenting plan and child support, support which I I agreed to less than the support calculator stated because he said it was so unfair. Meanwhile one year after our divorce he is remarried and living in the house I once owned, with his new wife! Oh how I wish I could turn back time!!!!

    1. Hi Kiki, what strikes me first about your story is that a contract is not binding if it has been attained in such a manner. It is illegal (threaten) to hold a gun to someone in order to get their consent, obviously. If you have proof of this, you can challenge the order. Why wish for time to go backwards. Sounds like you got out of a nasty situation. Keep moving forward.

  24. ‘he’ll back down.’

    I am disgusted by that term. A very good friend of mine is being bullied by his ex wife so she can get more in the financial settlement, even conning the Police that shes the victim. It’s not always men who are bullies!

    1. No, it isn’t always men who are bullies but this post is designed to help women who are dealing with this issue. Obviously, the advice can be reversed and men can use the same tips. Thanks for commenting, Amanda.

  25. My son is being bullied by his soon to be ex wife. He needs help.
    During the separation agreement she bullied him into signing the agreement by saying he will never see his kids if he tries to cross her. So he signed it and now its a nightmare. The agreement is all one sided.
    Now she has reported him to the ministry of children’s affairs
    They have shared custody and she is going to go after taking the kids away and his parental rights. Such hatred she has all because my son told her new boyfriends wife all about her and her husband’s affair.

    1. Your son needs a good lawyer. Also, he needs to keep a record of what she says, threats she makes so he can give that to his lawyer. I doubt your son’s parental rights will be taken away. It’s not likely his ex has any grounds for sole custody. One thing he should not do is make any agreement with her regarding custody. Tell him to stick to the 50/50 arrangement as much as possible. If he were to agree with less time with the kids for example, the court may view that as a ‘prescedent’. Best to you and your son, Patricia.

    2. My husband left the two ears and body of a decapitated rabbit in the short hallway of our home to scare me into leaving the house. This is only one of the horrible bullying things he has pulled and lied about doing. He walked down the hallway 7+ times and says he didn’t see it and knew nothing about it. Then he lied saying my 12 year old 9 lb dog (who has never brought anything into the house) brought it in and I put it in the hallway. He then said my friend would legally back him on the story. (My friend was furious that he used her in his lie.)

      My attorney tells me there is nothing I can do about it because I cannot legally prove that he did it.

      His affairs, his alcoholism, his womanizing or all of the ongoing abuse against me for 30+ mean nothing and cannot be stopped in a state that only allows no fault divorce.

      1. Hi jean, I hope you took photos and have a record of it. Actually, because it’s inside your home, it’s a pretty limited choice as to ‘who’ done it…that said convincing a judge that he is guilty of this heinous act is another story. In the meantime, I question why you’re still in the home simply because of the misery he’s causing you. Why not start looking for your own home or apartment, condo? It sounds like the sooner you physically get away from him, the better off you’ll be mentally and even physically. I gather he won’t leave the marital home if he’s putting dead rabbits in the hall. Just because you move out doesn’t mean you don’t own half the value in the marital home so don’t worry about that. You can discuss that with your attorney, of course. Stay safe and healthy, Jean.

  26. My ex has repeatedly entered forged documents into court to gain custody and has 3 times now, abducted our daughter from me. He has been assisted by his friends in Special Forces, Army. I’ve had them try to break into my home, threaten to kill my current Husband and I’ve been threatened by my ex that if I do not do as he says he will disappear with our daughter and I’l never see her again.

    He’s paid off judges, commissioners, lawyers, all of which I have audio to prove. No one will touch it. Not even the prosecution’s office.

    I’m afraid.
    I’ve tried everything.

    I’ve been kind. I’ve ignored him. I’ve stood my ground. And still, since I met my current Husband he’s been relentless and continued to make false accusations and has continually threatened my daughter, my husband and myself.

    I’m beyond scared and have no clue what to do. As no one seems to be listening. And since actions involve crooked judges, my child is left to be abused by a ex military member.

    How can I move forward while living in fear for my life and the lives of my child and husband? How are we supposed to be heard, if we have been told to shut up by judges, commissioners and lawyers alike? How can we handle a bully supported by the legal system based on his veteran status?

    1. Hi Adriana, this sounds like a case for the police since laws have been broken. First thing you should do is make a report especially on kidnapping not to mention the threats. What is your current custody agreement? I’m confused. If he has gained custody with forged documents why did he kidnap your daughter multiple times? And how did you get her back the first two times? You don’t have to answer those questions here. I’m simply expressing my confusion with your story. Regardless, please file a report with the police.

  27. my husband was always planning 3 holidays a year while i was a fulltime student and working for him. he expected me with all of this going on to obtain my drivers license and organize our wedding and be a perfect homekeeper hot wife and massage specialist. im exhausted. no matter how hard i try he always says im tired of your crap when i did everything while he was off seeing his mother. if there is one thing ive learned its that you can count on people to use you when they need you during their busy times (he was moving twice and moved to this current house, we remodelled it and did everything together for it and he was working on his startup business). my parents used me to raise my younger brother then when he was old enough, told me to leave the house at 18 years old. my first boyfriend moved and used me to move everything, get the house settled and share expenses while he studied. then he broke up with me. but i believe everyone gets what they give. so what did i do to deserve this?

  28. I’m having so many issues with my ex husbands wife. She’s constantly filing false reports to social services, verbally threatens me (in front of my kids) when I drop off my girls at their dads house. My ex and I have a parental agreement saying I take our daughters to him at a scheduled time and day and he brings them back to me on a scheduled time and day. I’m to take them to his house which is court ordered and every time I take them it’s always drama from my ex’s wife. When my 11 year old daughter doesn’t get her way with me she goes to her dads and tells all kinds of stories. Then my ex or his wife act on it without talking to me first which cause all kinds of trouble for me. Every time they have called social services a social worker goes to my kids schools and my house to conduct their investigation which always shows that none of the reports filed are true. What kind of lawyer do I need to help me with these problems?

    1. Hi Jennifer, you need a lawyer who specializes in child custody issues. In some States you can get a court order for child custody coordinators. They specialize in ironing out these types of issues between co-parents and smoothing out the conflicts (on-going). We don’t have them in Canada but I know someone who has used them in the U.S. and it really helps diffuse these types of problems.
      A lawyer could explain it and recommend something to alleviate your situation. Bets of luck.

  29. If you don’t have money, if you’re not gainfully employed, the ex bully can and, of course, will torment you for the rest of your life. Your life will be a living hell despite the courage it took you to leave your abuser..

    Legal Aid lawyers take on legal aid cases in order to bolster their income because they need to. They need to bolster their income because they’re not good lawyers, and the general public avoids using their services for this reason. Take it from me. I know. I’ve worked for lawyers most of my life. You will not get a good lawyer, and the separation agreement will not be drawn up in a way that protects you and is fair to you. When this happens, the bully ex can do what he/she pleases whilst being backed by the law.

    A good lawyer will ensure a woman will be protected and fairly treated with respect to assets and her financial welfare. In addition, if a woman is gainfully employed, she has good basis for and can present proof to the court of her ability to provide an emotionally and financially stable environment for her child or children.

    I apologize for what might seem to be somebody bent on presenting a negative view. However, these are facts based upon knowledge due to the personal experiences of others and my personal experience.

    1. Thanks, Christina for sharing your sage advice. Indeed, I would say that legal aid lawyers are not all terrible. That was your experience and some others you may know. I wouldn’t paint all with the same brush though. Again, it’s great to get your perspective here.

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