Hello Escapees, how many of you are on facebook? How many of you are on Twitter or Instagram? Yay, me too. I just love checking my social media feeds to see what my friends are up to.
It’s a simple fact that social media is now a big part of our life. It’s almost impossible to avoid. People actually wonder why you’re not on facebook, for
example, rather than wondering why you are. There was a time (in the last decade) where being on facebook was the exception rather than the norm. There was no twitter. Hard to imagine our world without twitter!
Here’s the thing though, if you’re going through your divorce process right now, then you’ll want to be careful about what you’re sharing on any of these social media platforms. Why? Because once lawyers are involved, they can scour your social media looking for any incriminating evidence. For example, you’re negotiating spousal support but you’re posting photos of your new Christian Loubitain shoes on your facebook and instagram profiles.
Without realizing it you’re sending conflicting messages when it comes to your divorce. You might as well come right out and say I require spousal support/alimony but I also have enough disposable income to blow on my shoe collection. Um, no. Loubitain’s are not a necessity.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg though. Say, you’re heading down the dark and winding road of a custody battle and you’re really frustrated with your ex and his B.S. You begin venting on your face book page because your friends understand and you need some support. Oops. No, just don’t do it. Keep your frustration and anger, which are totally normal emotions during a divorce, for your therapist or best friend that you see IN PERSON. Or there’s always the old fashioned option of writing in a journal.
You’re probably thinking Wowa, who are you to tell me this? Don’t you blog and write about your divorce? So, doesn’t that make you a hypocrite?
Well, not exactly. Hear me out. My divorce was almost finalized before I published my book and began my blog. In fact, it was seven years after my initial separation. As well, although I share personal stories here, they’re always with the objective to help others. So, rather than sit here on my platform and bitch about my ex, I hope I’m sharing with the aim to help others rise. That means learning from my mistakes which of course, I’ve made many.
Getting back to your social media. The main purpose for most non-bloggers and non-writers is to have a personal online social interaction. That means you’re not writing status updates for any reason other than the pure entertainment and social interaction it provides. That’s where you can get into some murky water during divorce.
Maintain these tips to prevent a divorce legal disaster.
-Ensure your privacy controls are always updated and turned on
–Keep your ex out of your status updates
–Keep your children out of your status updates (seriously)
–Find a ‘closed’ divorce support group on facebook. Check out this one Divorced Moms On A Mission. By the way, these groups ensure privacy however, that’s not to say it could be breached at some time, therefore still temper your comments and updates.
-Save your deepest, darkest divorce challenges for the therapist
-Try self therapy-make your own videos with your webcam and talk to the camera as though it were a good friend. Let it all out. This is not for anyone to see but you. You can play back and watch anytime and you’ll be surprised at not only your progress but some of the valuable information you’re recording. The best part? It remains completely private. Just you and the camera.
–Avoid facebook creeping on your ex’s new life-that won’t help anyone, least of all you.
–Check out divorce support forums on sites like Woman’s Divorce or the Divorce Support Forum
-Spend more time with people IRL and less time with virtual facebook friends
–If you’re unsure about an update you’re about to post, ask yourself, why am I posting this?
–If you’re going to start a blog at the beginning of your divorce legal action, use a pseudonym.
If you follow these guidelines while in the divorce process, you will remain untouchable when it comes to your ex’s lawyer. The last thing you want is some random photo or status update to jeopardize your alimony or child custody dispute. Those are far too serious matters, so keep them out of your personal social media feed.
Once your divorce is final, then to hell with these rules. Write and say whatever the hell you want. It’s your life. Get those Loubitains…
The last thing you want is some random photo or status update to jeopardize your alimony or child custody dispute. 10 tips for social media and #divorce. Click To TweetThoughts?
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james
February 28, 2019 at 1:52 amhey Lisa, you know I was crazy with sharing pics in social media. But I never realize how harmful it would be because I am going to divorce my wife. So, you make clear thought of it. After all divorce isn’t good decision,isn’t is?
cheers
james
Is Instagram Replacing Blogs? | The Great Escape Divorce Support at Lisa Thomson Live
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Marie
February 5, 2016 at 6:53 amI can’t agree more with you on this Lisa. I closed all social media accounts when I left my husband. I did not want him to find out all about me and my new life or anything I was going through so he could use anything against me later.
Even now I don’t blog under my real name. Privacy is key when it comes to divorce. We need to protect ourselves and our kids.
Once it’s over it’s another story…
Great advices my friend. Stay well Lisa. And have a lovely weekend.
lisa
February 5, 2016 at 7:30 amHi Marie, and yet another reason to avoid social media altogether. When you’re getting out of an abusive marriage, you want to ‘disappear’. You’re wise to blog anonymously, especially at this stage. thanks for popping over!
Mansi Padhya
February 3, 2016 at 9:01 pmHey Lisa,
Great article. I think it’s good to always be careful about what you post on social media. These are great tips.
Thanks for sharing this. 🙂
lisa
February 5, 2016 at 7:28 amHi Mansi, it’s always best to think twice before hitting the publish button. Thanks for stopping over!
Adrienne
February 3, 2016 at 12:40 pmHey Lisa,
I oftentimes find it disturbing some of the things people post on social media. I mean I know that they’re connected with their friends and family and like you said, at times they just need to vent.
What they don’t realize are all the things you’re pointing out here. For instance like me, I have all of my privacy settings in place and if you’re not my friend there is no way you’ll see any of my stuff. If I don’t know you then you’ll never be my friend. Even if I know you, you have to email me before I’ll add you.
Anything you put on social media can hurt you if you’re searching for a job too as you very well know but anyone going through a divorce wants to be sure to not make things worse. I have a friend whose ex got more child support because he posted pictures of all the vacations he was taking due to the money he was making from his online business. Not too smart.
Thanks for sharing this and you have a great week.
~Adrienne
lisa
February 3, 2016 at 2:43 pmHi Adrienne, I’m surprised at how many people have no privacy settings set up on their face book account. It’s so simple to do. It’s a good idea to check it periodically too because facebook is kind of ‘funky’ the way they’re always changing stuff. Oh, that’s not surprising the Dad got busted taking too many trips for the money he was likely claiming he could earn. Lesson learned there. 🙂 Have a great week Adrienne. thanks for stopping by!
Donna Merrill
February 2, 2016 at 8:19 pmHi Lisa,
Sage advice here. One has to be careful what we say on social media especially when going through a divorce. Good rule of thumb no matter how angry you are about anything is keep your hands of that keyboard!
I’ve seen many divorce complaints and I just shake my head thinking that a good lawyer can use that against the person.
-Donna
lisa
February 3, 2016 at 2:40 pmHi Donna, exactly true. When I was going through my divorce there was no facebook or it was only starting out. Social media was non-existent. Hard to imagine that now and yes, it’s up to us to maintain some control over what we’re sharing.I like your rule of thumb! 🙂
Jane Thrive
February 1, 2016 at 10:56 amTotally agree, Lisa!!! I used to have a family blog, posting updates about my family pre divorce. Of course I never posted the abuse or the temper outbursts, the swearing, shouting, shoving, kicking etc. So my ex tried to enter the blog into evidence that everything was fine… Le sigh. Just made me realize he couldn’t change…yes, the good things happened, but that doesn’t mean the bad things didn’t.
Even now I keep anonymity close to the heart, for my daughters’ sake, and my own. But I’m still so glad that the Internet can bring connections together, even when writing under a pseudonym! I’m so thankful for that! 🙂
lisa
February 1, 2016 at 12:31 pmHi Jane, isn’t that interesting. So, your ex used the blog against you by saying “Life was grand, just look at her blog…” It’s kind of like taking a photo album and presenting it to court saying, see how happy we are? Was it admitted as evidence?
Exactly! “yes, the good things happened, but that doesn’t mean the bad things didn’t.”
Absolutely a great idea to remain anonymous! It doesn’t make the connections any less real.
Jane thrive
February 1, 2016 at 5:50 pmHi Lisa!
He attempted to submit it as evidence, but it wasn’t accepted, along with other documents, such as confidential emails with the play therapist (who ended up resigning from our case when her bias was brought to light–my attorney had a field day with that one, ugh). I just remember it was stacks and stacks of paper that he was trying to submit to the court.
Now that I’m a few years removed, I’m so relieved to be that far away in distance from these memories…but it still makes my heart ache at the pain and hardship. It’s like a toothache that won’t go away, especially when I see what he’s doing to the girls…in the words of our coparenting counselor–my ex needs to get a life that is not just about the kids…
lisa
February 1, 2016 at 6:57 pmOMG, Jane! Wow. What a complete jerk. I’m so happy to hear he didn’t succeed in submitting irrelevant and sensitive material as evidence. the play therapist was biased too? ugh. You know these types can be extremely manipulative. They have pro’s believing their stories. Good thing your lawyer was able to nip that whole thing before it did some serious damage.
No doubt, these memories are difficult for you. They will always be a part of you that you conquered. Still, you shouldn’t have had to go through any of that! In the end, you win though. Your strength and dedication to what’s best for your girls will always prevail. Thanks for sharing your story xoxo
Jess@Fairday's Blog
January 30, 2016 at 6:03 pmDefinitely important to stop and think before posting to social media. I know a lot of times people post first and think later. It can be even harder when emotions are at an intense level!
lisa
January 31, 2016 at 4:29 pmHi Jess, I agree those emotions take over our better judgment. Thinking about why we’re posting it is always a good idea.
Kelly Hashway
January 30, 2016 at 4:21 pmI think it’s good to always be careful about what you post on social media. Once it’s out there, you can’t take it back.
lisa
January 31, 2016 at 4:28 pmHi Kelly, yup, it’s impossible to remove some things so best to think of that before posting.
Charlotte
January 30, 2016 at 9:09 amOMG, Lisa–this is AMAZING advice and I really wish more people would read–and abide–by these truths. And I think documenting your divorce YEARS after it’s been finalized is a heck of a lot different than posting repeatedly about your deadbeat ex and how untrustworthy he was and how he cheated on you etc. I actually know someone going through this and doing ALL OF THOSE THINGS and it drives me nuts. BECAUSE she’s still friends with her ex on FB and there are children involved and they POST memes about this cr*p all the time!
Also yes to expensive shoes / handbags. That’s just stupid, IMO. If the divorce is not final, DO NOT post incriminating evidence. GAH!
LOL, anyway, thank you for this. Amazing, as always 🙂
lisa
January 31, 2016 at 4:27 pmThanks, Charlotte! People react and post as an automatic without thinking twice but especially where there are children, we must be more careful. I hope your friend realizes this and STOPS and starts a journal instead. Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂 Hope your weekend is great.
Jodi Aman
January 29, 2016 at 3:29 pmGreat advice!
lisa
January 29, 2016 at 5:25 pmThanks, Jodi!
Jeri
January 28, 2016 at 3:35 pmI would be the type who posted really cryptic comments a few times, but then just started posting the eBay and Craigslist ads of all his stuff that I was selling (though at least my personal FB page is not public). It crossed my mind at the time that maybe I shouldn’t publicize I was selling his stuff, but it was all fine in the end because he essentially abandoned the property when he left the country.
lisa
January 29, 2016 at 7:12 amHi Jeri, cryptic? That brings a smile to my face because that sounds so much like a ‘writer’. Ha! Well, if he left the country without his stuff and never said he’d be back to get it, it sounds fair that you would sell it. Also, you have to let people know what’s for sale and what better way than online? It would be different if it was stuff he was coming back to get. I’ve heard some stories of exes selling their spouses valuable stuff even though they knew they wanted it back.
MomofTwoPreciousGirls
January 28, 2016 at 3:32 pmIn reality these tips should be kept in mind ALWAYS. You can think your Facebook is private, but you can be hacked and anything your “friends” can see can also be SHARED. Nothing you put on any internet site is safe or private nor is it ever really deleted. Keep it clean and classy!
lisa
January 29, 2016 at 7:07 amHi momoftwo, welcome. Yes, you make a great point in that even if privacy settings are on, you can be tagged by friends and your photos can end up on their timeline which may not be private. That said at least having your privacy settings on makes it harder for someone to creep you, like a lawyer 😉 You make a great point—once you post anything on line, it never goes away. Keep it clean and classy, great advice!
Corina Ramos
January 28, 2016 at 12:26 pmThese are great tips Lisa. I can imagine how easy it is to vent on social media when your upset at something your ex said or did. And what could be meant as a “look what you’re missing” picture looking hot with “red bottom” shoes, it can be used against you.
I agree with Bren, employed and self-employed (to maintain a clean reputation) can use these tips.
Thanks for sharing. Hope you’re having a great week!
Cori
lisa
January 29, 2016 at 7:04 amHi Cori, so true that most anyone can benefit from these tips. It’s easy to become engrossed in our emotions during divorce and it seems we turn to face book for that validation or support—not always a good idea. Hell, after it’s all over get the shoes 😉
Balroop Singh
January 27, 2016 at 9:26 pmHi Lisa,
I agree with you. Social media is no place for condemning others or washing our dirty linen! Anger, frustration and disappointments need to be shared but not where unknown people too have an easy access to your emotions.
Nice tips!
lisa
January 28, 2016 at 10:10 amYes, especially when there are many ‘strangers’ who have access to status updates. Best to keep that stuff to a very few trusted souls.
Tamara
January 27, 2016 at 1:52 pmThat is so smart! I have two friends who had a terrible divorce and shot at each other on Facebook. And now that it’s died down and they’ve blocked one another, they still share passive aggressive memes. After all this time.
It’s a great reminder to be careful.
lisa
January 28, 2016 at 10:08 amI’ve seen that on face book as well. It’s their way of getting a little revenge I guess.I say save it for the therapist or a really good friend you can trust, not 1000 face book friends, LOL.
Brenda Pace
January 27, 2016 at 10:45 amAhhhh very helpful tips, Lisa. Not only for divorcee’s but for the employed. 😉 Happy Hump Day!
B
lisa
January 28, 2016 at 10:07 amSo true, Bren! Kind of a similar predicament. We’ve heard of so many who were fired because of a tweet or a facebook gaff, never mind being caught on video acting like a jerk. It’s instant privacy loss so we should control what we can.
Chrys Fey
January 27, 2016 at 9:54 amGood tips. Many people share too much when it comes to their personal lives and it only benefits those people who want to gossip.
lisa
January 28, 2016 at 10:06 amGreat point, Chrys. People eat that stuff up so we should think twice before posting something super personal.
diedre
January 27, 2016 at 9:29 amTerrific reminders, Lisa! Everyone wants and needs to vent sometimes, but social media is never the place for it.
lisa
January 28, 2016 at 10:05 amExactly true. We tend to lose sight of that with all the emotional stuff that’s going on. Thanks for stopping by Deidre!